My Friends and Me in the Lord of the Rings
by MistirMiss
Summary: I wrote this (amazing?) piece of work while in the seventh grade. This is my guess on what would happen if my friends and I were in the series of The Lord of the Rings. The next part is for the Hobbit.
1. Chapter 1

I woke up early in the morning to the smell of smoke. The kingdom of mixed races, the city I lived in, was burning.

I sat up as soon as it registered, and heard the sound of screaming. I looked out of my window, and was horrified to see hundreds of the Uruk-Hai orcs swarming the city.

I went out of my room, and went into the hall. Then I heard a loud creak. The front door opening. I knew the sound well, because someone was always going in and out. Heavy footsteps followed, and I silently went back into my room and listened intently as heavy footsteps went past my door and down the hall- to my parents' room. I froze as I heard a slam, and then I ran out. I heard my dad yell- and then my mom screamed. I ran down the Hall and looked in the doorway- and a huge Orc stood over my mom while she fumbled to grab the sword that she always had on her side of her bed.

She looked down once. Then the Orc swung its sword and split open her head. My dad was nowhere to be seen. I screamed, and the Orc looked around.

I ran as fast as I could down the stairs and out into the street. The orcs were killing the elves left and right, and I was soon grateful for the calico fur that I had, and that I was not fond of wearing light colored clothing. For the most part I managed to stay hidden, and I made it to the castle where I thought I would be safe.

My friend's family lived in there. They ruled the kingdom of mixed races, and one was a human. The other was an elf. The fighting was much worse near the castle gates, and behind that, the castle was being demolished. Brick by brick, the orcs tore down he bottom of the castle.

I backed away into an Orc, and it spun around, swinging a huge sword. I ran into the nearest house, wishing that it was empty. The Orc followed me, and I ran upstairs in the house. There was a bow in a room, and a single arrow beside it.

I picked them up. I knocked the arrow and drew it back. I could barely pull it back, and as the Orc came into the doorway, I let go.

I hit the Orc's arm, and the Orc yelled and charged. It had let go of its sword, so when it ran at me, I dodged to the side and picked up the sword as I heard a crash. The Orc had run out of the wall.

I locked the door and sat on the ground and cried. My family was gone, and it looked like my friend and her family was also gone.

When the sun rose, I looked up with red eyes and saw the damage to the city. The streets were cracked and torn apart, and the houses were now ruins. The small surplus closet in the middle of the town had become ashes, and the castle was a pile of bricks on the edge of the town. All of the dead people had been stacked in the center of the city.

I ran over to the pile of bricks and began to walk over them, until I saw a small blue thing in the pile. I hurled bricks aside as I unburied my friend.

Dakota, my friend, was under the grey bricks, and her arms were scratched and bruised, while her wings (yes, she had them) were surprisingly okay.

Dakota was alive, but unconscious, so I left her on the bricks while I went to see who else was alive.

The first house I went into was destroyed, and the walls were blackened with ash. I walked up the stars and called "Is anyone here?"

I heard a faint cry from somewhere, and I went into each room to see who it was, but nobody was there. "Hello?" I called again. I heard it again, but again, nobody was there, so I left quickly.

The next couple of houses were the same, and I could feel my fur bristling at the creepiness. They were dark and gloomy, and the worst part was that I had known these people who lived in houses, and they had been bright, happy people.

The next one I went into, when I got about five steps in the room, the floor collapsed. I yelled as I fell underneath the house.

There was nothing down here to get me out, and that was when I heard unsteady footsteps. Somebody walked up to the hole, and it wasn't Dakota. It was one of the few city guards, and he looked like he was drunk.

"Who are you?" He asked. My temper flared.

"I'm Ra, the same person who kept you from getting fired that time when you set a house on fire." I answered impatiently.

"Who?" He asked again. I picked up a rock and threw it at his face. It barely hit him. The guard blinked slowly.

"Can you get yourself out?" He asked.

"Oh, stupid me," I said sarcastically. "There's a ladder down here."

"Really?" The guard asked. I threw another rock, aiming for his face. It hit the top of his helmet, and it seemed like he FINALLY got some sense.

He lowered his hand and helped me out of the hole. I didn't look through the rest of the house.

When I went outside, the sun was higher in the sky, and the heat was incredible. Even on the north end of Mirkwood, the summers were still sweltering. The sky was a strange purple color, and one person was standing by the Butterfly Fountain and staring up at the sky.

The guard went off to talk to the person, and I walked back to Dakota. This time I tried to wake her up.

First I tried shaking Dakota. Nothing. Then I tried water and various other methods, and she was still asleep. I wondered if she had died, but she was still breathing.

I stood up again and went off to the gates at the South end of the kingdom of mixed races. The gates had been thrown apart. I went up to the north end. The gates there were covered in spider webs.

Then I heard a low moaning sound. I looked around and saw someone lying on the ground, with their hands and face covered in blood. They were scratched up and bloody, and they had an arrow in their stomach.

"How are you still alive?" I asked.

They groaned and died.

The walls around the town were torn apart in places, and in other places ladders had been placed outside the walls. The tops were visible over the parts of the wall still standing.

I went back to Dakota, and this time her godmother was with her. She was standing over Dakota, and her face had the same expression it had before the invasion: anger and disgust.

I came up silently and checked on Dakota. As I confirmed that she was still alive, her godmother snorted.

"She's dead. She should be burned with the rest." She jerked her head back to the pile of dead bodies.

"She's alive, and we will NOT burn her unless she stops breathing forever." I countered. Dakota's godmother snorted again.

"Aren't you concerned that this place got ruined?" I asked, my anger flaring yet again. "Everything had changed. Why are you still so disgusted by everything?"

"I'm not concerned at all. I will go out northeast, and start my own kingdom there." She answered.

"The northern wastes?" I asked. "Seriously? Nobody's been able to survive there in centuries, except the goblins and orcs. We would have better luck in Mirkwood."

Dakota's godmother tried to hit me. I ducked just in time. She hissed,"Do not speak that evil name to me!"

That was when I remembered that Dakota's godfather had died in Mirkwood (or so her godmother said).

"Mirkwood." I said again. "Get used to the name. We live right next to it."

"Not anymore!" Her godmother shrieked, and tried to stab me with a knife that came out of nowhere. I ran a little off, but I didn't trust Dakota's crazy godmother to leave Dakota when I left.

However, Dakota's godmother left, and once she was out of sight, I dragged Dakota into the nearest standing house that wasn't broken up. Dakota was still sleeping, and I sat in the dark house with her all night.

The next morning Dakota was STILL asleep, and I tried yet again to wake her up, to no avail. When she didn't wake up after I poured a bucket of hot water on her, I went out of the house in search of something to eat.

I noticed that Dakota's godmother was talking to the small group of survivors, and when I walked up to them, they ran away. I ignored it and went into the ruins of the market.

There, out of the Whole market, was just an apple and a couple of oranges left that were still edible. So I checked some of the other places.

The old bakery that used to have the absolute best pies imaginable was still standing (probably because nobody felt safe hiding in a bakery) but the food inside was almost all gone. I picked up the muffins off the ground, because they were the only food left.

Then I walked back to Dakota, and as I was setting all the food out, she woke up and sat up.

"What happened?" She asked, rubbing her head like she had a headache.

"Orcs invaded." I answered. "The stupid guard is still alive, but I don't know how. Your godmother survived, and she still looks as angry and disgusted as ever. There's also somebody else I don't know. I have no idea where your parents are, though."

Dakota sat in silence for a while as I raided the house. I found a kitchen knife in a back room, and a bow in what looked like an attic. I gave Dakota both. She still didn't talk.

I went over to the pile of dead bodies. Even though it was completely obvious- look for the king and queen first- it had completely slipped my mind. So I checked through the pile of dead bodies.

The smell was terrible. It was the smell of one dead body sitting outside for a couple of days times 300. Yes, at least 300 people used to live in the kingdom of mixed races.

In those 300 bodies, I didn't see Dakota's parents. It was like they had vanished, but in the middle of a bunch of dead people, as dead people.

When I turned to walk away, I saw the stranger and the dumb guard right behind me. "What?" I asked them.

"The princess's new mother says that you are trying to harm the princess." The dumb guard said. The stranger nodded.

"She said that you would dig through dead bodies to find the king and queen to use them to rule everyone. Here you are, going through dead bodies."

"Don't you know not to trust her by now?" I asked. "She's been trying to take over the kingdom for years, and I don't know how the king and queen missed it."

I went to walk past them, and I heard them the stranger say,"It's a good thing that the regent is rescuing the princess now." My blood went cold for a second, and I ran back to the house. Dakota was still there, alive and miserable.

"Did you find the bodies of my parents?" She asked.

"No. They could still be alive. But we have to leave now. Your godmother should be coming soon to take you into the northern wasteland. She has a crazy idea about starting her own kingdom there." I said in a rush as I picked up the remainder of the food and went to the door.

"We need to find some bags." Dakota said, leading the way. "And, if any survived, a horse or pony or two." I added. Dakota nodded and went into the ruins of the leathershop. The front of the leathershop had been pushed in, and we had to dig through the rubble to find two large leather bags.

We packed the food in one (except the apple. I ate that) and as we got ready to leave, Dakota said, "What about water?"

I hung my head. "How did we forget water?" I asked. "We won't get far without it."

So we headed back into the ruins in search of something to hold water in. Along the way I found a long piece of rope, which I kept, and I brought up the fact that I needed a weapon. As we found a flask in someone's house, Dakota's godmother caught up to us.

"Come on, Dakota. Come with me." She said in a sharp voice.

"Why?" Dakota asked.

"Because I'm your mother now-"

"Not." Dakota muttered.

"-and your friend is going to lead you to your death in the Mirkwood forest." Her godmother finished.

Dakota was shocked. I was angry.

"How can you say 'don't say Mirkwood to me' and then say it?" I yelled.

"How can you take your friend into Mirkwood?" She countered.

"There's a chance of survival. Besides, we might not go into Mirkwood." I argued.

"I'm not going with you." Dakota stated. Her godmother turned red and tutted.

"You'll die out there. Fine. Go. I'll be able to rule my own kingdom without you interfering." She said, and left. We went back to our search for flasks. However, before we could go far, Dakota turned around.

"Do you hear that?" She asked.

I listened. "It's footsteps. We should leave."

We left the house and saw the dumb guard run down the street at us with his sword drawn. Without hesitating, I went to run, but Dakota stayed behind.

"Come on!" I said, pulling on her arm. "He's going to kill us!"

"No he won't. I'm the princess." Dakota argued.

"Of what? That doesn't matter anymore! Now come on."

After hesitating some more, Dakota finally moved, and we raced down the road and to the southern gate.

About halfway there, the other stranger came out from behind a house. He also had a sword, and we were kind of surrounded.

"Why are you doing this?" Asked Dakota. "I'm the princess."

"Not anymore." The stranger said.

"We need to scatter. We'll meet up inside Mirkwood." I muttered.

Dakota went right, and I went left. I ran through a torn down house, jumping over boards and easily outrunning the dumb guard (who was chasing me.). He kept tripping and hitting his head, but he still followed me. I decided to hurry into Mirkwood.

I turned, and I suddenly heard a loud THUNK behind me.

I looked around and saw the dumb guard lying unconscious behind me. There was a knife sticking out of his cloak, so I picked it up and ran into Mirkwood.

Dakota was already waiting for me. "What took you so long?" She asked.

"I didn't come straight here." I answered. "I got a weapon." I showed her the knife.

"We should try to find the elves." Dakota suggested. "They might let us stay with them."

"In that case, let's go east."

So we picked up he the flask and bag and headed deeper into Mirkwood.

The first day was okay. We didn't see any wildlife, and we headed steadily east. Then the sun began to set. The trees seemed to close in to suffocate us, and it got darker than it should, so we made a fire.

About an hour after dark, I started to see eyes around the area we camped in. They were not human. That night, neither of us slept, and the next morning we were exhausted. However, we didn't want to stay there, so we continued going east.

It got dark quickly that day, and again, we had to stop. This time, we kept watches so that we could get a little sleep. The same thing happened for the next few days.

On our fifth night in the forest I noticed a faint glow in the distance. It didn't look too far away, so I told Dakota.

"It's the elves!" She whispered. "We made it!" She stood up and started running towards the light. I followed more reluctantly. Before Dakota could get near the light, it went out, and the forest was pitch black again. I backed up to a tree and curled up.

"Dakota?" I called.

For a minute, there was no answer. Then she said,"Here."

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I don't know." She answered. Then we both saw a glow farther away than the first time.

"We need to go to the glow." I told her. "Even if we don't reach the elves."

"Okay." She answered. "Except for the fact that the giant spiders might find us..."

"Can we call for help?"

"Let's try it."

So we both called for help. Nothing happened. I walked forward, and I heard the distant sound of talking. "Help!" I yelled. There was a pause in the voices.

"Help!" Dakota screamed. She sounded like the spiders had already come. I looked at her, shocked. She looked at something over my shoulder.

I looked over my shoulder, and I saw an elf standing behind me. "What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Aren't elves always supposed to know why people go into their forest or home?" I asked. Dakota kicked me.

"Or home has been destroyed, and so we came here hoping you would help us." She answered (way more respectfully than me.) and the elf nodded.

"I knew that." He answered.

"Idiot." I muttered, earning another kick from Dakota.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"Why don't you answer that, if you know so much?" I said, and this time, Dakota smacked the back of my head. "Why do you have to be so good at hitting?" I complained.

"I'm Dakota, and this is Ra." She said politely. I saw the elf's eyes widen in amazement.

"You're the princess?" He asked.

"Yeah. But all of the survivors ran me out, so I'm not anymore."

"Hold on- you actually know something?" I asked, earning another kick. I was surprised the elf hadn't throttled me yet.

"Follow me." The elf said, and went to walk away. Dakota followed him, but I stayed behind.

"Not until I know who you are." I answered.

"I'm king Thranduil." He answered, and I felt my stomach disappear, but I felt more insults coming.

"Then shouldn't you have known-"

"I'm not Elrond or Galadriel!" He snapped, and I realized he was losing his patience. I wanted to laugh, but Dakota seemed horrified.

He led us to a small castle, with huge doors that could barely open. The castle led underground, and that made me make probably the worst comment I could in that place- "so you elves live like dwarves?"

Dakota kicked me yet again and groaned, while the king said, "No! We are not Dwarves!" His hands clenched into fists, and a couple of other elves around either gasped or drew their weapons.

The king sat on a chair and said to one of the other elves, "Legolas, find them a room ANYWHERE away from mine."

Legolas was one of the elves that gasped. He looked horrified at the the thought of having anything to do with us, and said, "But the only room not taken is next to mine, and-"

"You'll take them there." The king cut him off. Legolas groaned and led us deeper underground. Dakota started yawning before we got there, but I wasn't nearly as tired as she was.

"Will you stop yawning?" Legolas demanded.

"I can not help it. I was up all night-"

"What she means to say is she has a right to yawn, so shut up." Legolas looked stricken. I grinned. Dakota was too tired to kick me.

"Don't talk like that." She told me. "It isn't polite."

"If you weren't concerned about being polite, you wouldn't be so tired." I argued.

"Yes I would. You're part cat, remember?" She sounded like she was talking through a pillow.

"Will you two shut it?" Legolas growled as we went even deeper.

Dakota got angry, and I knew that what would come next would be the most entertaining thing that would happen all day.

"No!" She yelled, and she seemed awake.

"I am the prince of Mirkwood. You will do what I tell you-"

"Look!" Dakota suddenly said, pointing behind Legolas. He spun around. I started laughing as Legolas looked back.

"What?"

"It looks like you do what I tell you." Dakota said. "Now show me to our room."

Because his dad had told him to do the same thing, he had to do it.

"You finally learned my trick." I told Dakota.

"I was motivated." She answered.

We finally got to the room. The door was huge and black, but when Legolas opened it, we found out that it was just a broom closet.

"This is where you'll sleep if you bother me anymore. No more yawning. Or arguing." He said.

"Okay, but where's our room?" I asked.

"Down the hall-"

"Okay, bye!" I yelled and shoved him in the closet. Then I closed it and wedged a random trash can under the knob. "That's for being a jerk!" I yelled. "Don't mess with a tired princess and her cat friend."

"Let me out!" Legolas cried. Dakota and I walked down the hall and tried a door. Inside, an elf was poking a mouse with a stick. The mouse was crying out in pain, so I ran in and stuffed the mouse in my mouth.

I nodded to the elf and left.

"I thought you said that you wouldn't eat mice anymore." Dakota said as we tried the next door.

"I didn't." I said as I spat the mouse out. "Is that the room?"

"No idea. Remember, Legolas's room is next to ours." Dakota pointed out.

"Then this room is Legolas's." I decided.

"How do you know?" She asked.

"It smells Terrible."

The next room was ours. We sat down, and Dakota said, "maybe we should let Legolas out."

"You feel guilty?"

"No. But they might kick us out."

"Good point. As soon as I come back, lock the door." I told her.

"Why?"

"He's going to try to kill us." I left the room and crept down the hall to the closet. I pulled the trash can away, and immediately Legolas opened the door. I raced down the hallway with him right behind me. By the time I got to the room that had the mouse, Legolas had caught up, so I went inside.

The poor elf was too confused to do anything but stare at the door. I ran to their window and crawled outside, and I saw that we were really, really far underground, and the outer walls were made of Mithril. It was a shock at first, but then I saw Legolas's face go to his window, and I hurried into my room.

"Close the door!" I gasped. Dakota slammed it, and soon there was a pounding. She locked it, and I told her about the Mithril walls.

"They are living like dwarves!" She exclaimed. Suddenly the pounding vanished.

"Oh no." I said. "What's going to happen now?"

But nothing happened. Dakota went to sleep, and I grabbed the pillow and blankets so I could sleep on the floor.

The next morning I was woke up by someone shaking me. I ignored it and continued to pretend to be asleep, and I felt the shaking get frantic.

Then it stopped, and I opened my eyes. The room was empty, so I went back to sleep. The next thing I knew, I was soaking wet. The water was freezing, and I jumped up and yelled, "What was that for?" At the top of my lungs.

Then I actually looked around. Dakota, Thranduil, and Legolas were standing around me.

"We need you awake because Legolas is trying to get us kicked out." Dakota explained. She was holding the bucket.

"My son, Legolas, says that you two kidnapped him and locked him in a closet." The king said.

"We didn't."

"You DID!" Legolas shouted.

"Oh, stop acting like a baby." Dakota, Thranduil, and I all said simultaneously. Legolas scowled. It was funny.

"Legolas, I told you that if you keep causing trouble, I will send you to Rivendell for the council." The king told him sternly.

"But- Dad-" Legolas began.

"I'll let you off this one time- but cause any more trouble, and you will go." Thranduil cut off. "Now show these two girls our lands."

Legolas grunted and Thranduil left. Once he left, Legolas said in a really dark voice, "You will wish you never did that."

"What?" Dakota asked. She probably had already heard him, but was trying to make the whole situation funny. It had some effect.

"I said, you will regret doing that." Legolas repeated. This time he sounded more annoyed than scary.

"Doing what?" I asked, jumping in. Legolas left the room in disgust.

"Hey- aren't you supposed to show us-" Dakota called.

"Later!" He interrupted.

And so, later came a minute later.

There was an elf who lived in a room across from ours. She had her door open, and I guessed she heard our argument. When Legolas came back, I knew she had.

I heard Legolas stomp back to our room, where our door was still open. He marched inside, and that was when the elf across the hall said, "You just can't stay away from them, can you?"

Legolas's face went a really strange color, in between red and green, and he shrieked.

Dakota and I couldn't stop laughing, and more elves came out to see what the problem was. The elf across the hall slipped out of her room while Legolas had a temper tantrum.

"It would be amazing if there was some way we could record this, showing it to people." I whispered to Dakota.

"Everyone would see the Mirkwood prince as he really is." Dakota answered.

It went on for about five minutes, and then Legolas was able to compose himself. Mostly. His face was still red and he clenched his fists, and he ground his teeth. But he wasn't screaming, "Why, Daddy, Why?" Anymore.

"So, you going to show us Mirkwood?" Dakota asked.

Legolas nodded and left the room. We followed quietly, looking at the elves as the watched us go back up to the ground level of the castle.

Then we went up.

The small castle I had seen was actually more of a low tower. A couple of elves were slowly going up and down the tower, a look of concentration stuck on their faces.

"Why are the guards pretending to look busy?" I asked. The nearest ones glared at me.

"We are busy!" One said.

"Doing what?" I asked.

The guard pulled a piece of paper out of his purple pocket and pranced around, singing,

"I am busy,

Thinking of a song,

More lyrics to the song I'm writing.

I am singing you this song.

Because this tower's very long,

And at night it is too frightening.

I am singing you this son-"

He ran into a wall and passed out.

"That was interesting." I muttered, but Dakota was concerned about the guard.

"His head is bleeding." She said.

"He'll be fine." Legolas said.

"He's BLEEDING. In his HEAD. He could DIE, MORON." Dakota said, like she was talking to an idiot. I didn't agree with that. Legolas wasn't an idiot, he was a Retard.

"OkAY," he answered, using the same tone, and we carried him down the tower.

The king was at the base. "What happened to my guard?" He demanded.

"He was-" I began, but Legolas cut in.

"Almost killed by these two."

"Is this true?" Thranduil asked us.

"Of course it isn't. Why would we help carry his body down if we wanted him dead? He's still alive." Dakota answered.

"Ummmmmmm..." Legolas said as we all looked at him.

"That's it. All of you are going to Rivendell. I'be been meaning to tell Elrond that Gollum escaped." Thranduil said. "You'll leave tomorrow."

And then, the Moron stomped his foot, so hard, the entire stupid tower fell down.

We all froze. And then we didn't, and Thranduil said, "What. The. Hell. Legolas."

And then he screamed, and everything went dark, and we were outside Rivendell.


	2. The Council of Elrond

We were in Rivendell- and so was the remains of the tower Legolas destroyed. We were all flat on our backs (not really, it was too bumpy) and dazed.

Then I heard the sound of screaming. It got all of us out of the daze. Then we didn't hear it anymore.

"What was that?" Legolas asked.

"My WINGS!" Dakota moaned, and I looked at them. They were not in their usual state. They had dark splotches on them, and I realized they were bruised.

Legolas looked at them, too. "You have WINGS?" He asked.

"No, she's the wingless butterfly." I growled, concerned. Dakota's health depended too much on her wings. They were like major arteries. If they were ripped off, she died. If they got torn apart, she might die.

"You're furry?" Legolas said in amazement. I smacked him in between the eyes.

"Be useful for once and SHUT UP!"

Then a bow came out of nowhere, and fell on Legolas's head. I laughed, and the quiver almost killed me. Dakota looked down, and about thirty arrows fell from the sky, over her head.

"Look out!" I screeched, but as they fell, they curved and hit the ground hard.

Dakota's eyes were huge, and she said, "We need to get inside."

Legolas picked up arrows. "What's stopping you?"

A horse galloped by, and in it was a golden elf. That was the only way I could describe him. Sitting in the horse with him was a midget. He looked like he had been beat up. There was a golden ring around his neck, and I thought, 'ugh. Gold. Be original and make it Mithril or something.'

A couple of minutes later, more midgets passed by, along with a strange man. They didn't even look at us. Then Legolas finished finding his arrows.

"How many survived?" Dakota asked.

"Don't be polite to the moron." I chided.

"Five."

"NICE!" I responded quickly. "If orcs attack, you'll REALLY be the winner!"

"Stop being mean." Legolas whined.

"Stop giving me a reason. By the way, Elrond will love his new project."

"What?" Legolas asked.

"Building a tower. You just gave him a complete set."

Then a strange elf walked into the rubble. She had dark hair, and brown eyes, and Legolas was drooling next to me.

"What are you?" She asked Dakota and me.

"I am a elf," Legolas said.

I picked up a rock and threw it at him. He came to his senses. Sort of.

"Ummmmm..." He said. The idiot.

"This is Legolas, an..." I paused, wondering if I should actually insult him when he had already embarrassed himself.

"I'm an half- elf." Dakota said.

"No." The woman said.

"I'm a cat. And a human."

"No."

"Who are you, anyway?" I was getting annoyed.

"I'm Arwen Evenstar." She answered smugly, flicking her hair behind her shoulder.

"Well, Arwen, I am a human cat, and Dakota here is a half elf."

"No."

"Then what are we?"

"Ummm..." She answered.

"Legolas, she's perfect for you! Elrond must be so proud." I said, and Arwen pulled out a dagger.

Dakota grabbed my hand, and tried to run away, but I stood my ground. "You're not going to stab me." I said.

"How do you know?" She asked.

I thought Legolas would step in, but I just said, "try it."

Arwen charged, and almost instantly Legolas drew an arrow. Arwen stopped in amazement. Then she narrowed her eyes and left.

Legolas cleared his throat, but I said, "What do you want?" Before he said anything.

"Stop being mean." He said.

"We aren't. We're just teasing you." I explained.

"Well, stop it. It's annoying, and you just ruined my chances with Arwen-"

"Why do you like her? She's... Well, just like you." I said, and Legolas got mad.

"What, so you think we're both terrible?" He asked.

"She's terrible. You're just a moron."

"And you two are... Umm..."

"Smart- mouths?" Dakota added.

"Exactly."

I laughed. "Okay, you want us to stop being smart- mouths?"

"Yes."

"That's like telling us to stop breathing." I responded. "I have a better idea."

"Whhaaaaattttt?" He asked.

"You join our inner circle of troublemakers."

Dakota gasped. "We don't have one."

"If he agrees, we do."

"Will you stop teasing me?" Legolas asked.

"No, but we'll teach you how to stop being a moron." I said.

"Ummm..."

"You can learn how Dakota has butterfly wings."

Dakota glared at me. Legolas was still deciding.

"We'll help you get on Arwen's good side." Dakota put in, and that won Legolas over.

"Okay. I'll do it. So, why does Dakota have butterfly wings?"

Dakota took over. "Guess what my mom was."

"An elf?"

"A human. My dad was the elf. It was backwards, so I got wings."

She fluttered them nervously.

"What about you?" Legolas asked me.

"I have NOOO idea. I think my parents got cursed." I answered.

"Maybe we should go to into the actual Rivendell instead of standing here, chatting." Dakota muttered.

"Okay. Let's go." I said.

We trudged along the tracks of the horse that had the golden elf. It took forever. By the time we got there, an hour had passed. There were two elves sta

"Legolas, do you realize that you are now a mass murderer?" Dakota said.

"No elves were in the rubble." Legolas said to defend himself.

"How do you know?" Dakota questioned.

"Ummmm..."

"Okay, let's just go inside." I suggested.

We walked up to the guards, and they said, "Who are you?"

"I'm Legonding guard, and I muttered, "let's make Legolas stomp and they'll vanish."

"Stop it."las." Legolas said. "I'm here because I have something important to tell Elrond."

"I'm Dakota. I'm here because Thranduil needs me here." Dakota explained.

The guards turned to me. I fake cried.

"My mom died... And nobody will help me... And I was hoping that Elrond might-"

"Alright, just go in." The guards pointed to the door. I kept pretending to cry until we were inside the actual house.

"What was that for?" Legolas asked.

"Well, I have to show how upset I am that my parents died in some way." I answered.

"That actually happened?"

"Well, Dakota's kingdom got destroyed by orcs. So yes."

"Dakota owns a kingdom? I thought she was just a princess." Legolas said.

We went inside, and the conversation ended there. There were too many elves, and seeing as Legolas was strange, Dakota was stranger, and I was downright weird, everyone looked at us.

"How do we find Elrond?" Dakota asked.

I opened my mouth.

"Don't do it." Dakota warned. I ignored her.

"ELROND!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Now everyone was looking at us, and Dakota hit the back of my head.

Then an elf I recognized, the golden one, came foreword. "Elrond is busy." He said. "Someone got terribly hurt. How can I help you?"

"We need to get into the council of-" Legolas began, but the golden elf motioned for him to be silent.

"Follow me." He said. So we did.

The golden elf took us to an empty room full of chairs and we sat down.

"That council is secret. Do not mention it in front of everyone." He told Legolas. "You have access to the council."

"What about us?" Dakota asked.

"We want to be in it." I added.

"Who are you?" The elf was avoiding our question.

"I'm Dakota, and this is Ra." Dakota explained.

"I'm Glorfindel." Glorfindel said.

"Let us in the council." Dakota said.

"No." Glorfindel said. "You don't have enough experience-"

"It's a secret council. If you do not let us in I will tell everyone." I threatened.

"You're blackmailing me?" Glorfindel asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Okay. Fine. I'll tell you when the council is going to be held." Glorfindel promised.

We left, and another strange elf came. "My name is Seberbell." He said.

We followed him to a room that had three beds in it.

"We're all sharing a room?" Legolas looked as mortified as I felt, and Dakota passed out (no she didn't, but she collapsed.).

"Why, cruel world, whyyyy?" Dakota wailed. I laughed.

"Ra, this is not a laughing matter!" Legolas snapped.

"Yeah it is. I call the bed by the window!" I answered.

Legolas picked the bed by the door, so Dakota got the last one. I jumped on my bed.

"Stop it. What if you break the bed?" Legolas asked.

"Then I sleep in a broken bed." I answered. "And I help someone fix it."

"When will you help me get on Arwen's good side?" Legolas asked.

"Right away. But first, let us try to talk you out of it." Dakota said.

"She looks like she's forty." I noticed.

"She's stupid." Dakota added.

"She's Elrond's daughter."

"Not good enough." Legolas said. "You have to do it."

"Okay. What do you think you should first?" I asked Legolas.

"Ummm..."

"Hopeless! Dakota, tell him what he should do." I said loudly.

"Find out what her likes and dislikes are." Dakota suggested.

I spied a notebook on a nightstand. "Use this!" I said, and gave it to Legolas.

Legolas took it and left the room. Dakota looked around. "What should we do now?" She asked.

"Explore?" I suggested.

"Good idea." She answered.

So we left the room and wandered around. We found a fountain, and there was a pair of locked doors not far from it. There was a long hall that seemed mostly empty, and it had a fire in it that didn't seem to go out. There were fifty kitchens, and I wondered why Elrond's elves weren't fat.

Then we went into a library, and that was when I heard the voice of Glorfindel. He said, "And don't tell them that it's the wrong room."

"But... They seem like good people." Somebody else said.

"They cannot go to the council!" Glorfindel hissed.

"Wow." I whispered. "Really makes you look down on the elves, huh?"

Dakota had a strange expression on her face. "Let's follow him back to his room!" She said.

"Dakota. He. Is. An. Elf. He. Will. Hear. Us." I said to her.

"No. We have to find out- follow me!"

Glorfindel had begun to walk out of the library, so we decided to follow him. Or, Dakota followed him and I followed her.

Glorfindel's room- guess what- was ACROSS THE HALL FROM OURS.

"Revenge tomorrow." Dakota said. "I'm tired."

"I agree for once." I said. "I'm never tired."

We went inside our room. Legolas wasn't there, so we fell asleep. Dakota stole Legolas's bed.

The next morning we got up and saw that Legolas was drooling on Dakota's bed, seemingly fast asleep.

"Legolas, we all know that elves don't really sleep." I said. He started laughing, and Dakota smacked his head.

"No drooling on my bed!" She hissed. "I would've forgiven you IF YOU WERE ASLEEP.

"Help me with Arwen." He begged. "She likes pies..."

"Then bring her a pie, and leave behind your weapons." Dakota smacked him again.

Legolas went off to find a pie, and I said "Sooo, revenge?"

"We'll think of something." Dakota responded.

We opened our door and watched the hallway. Hours later, we watched Glorfindel pass by our door, and we broke into his room.

It was big and guess what? It was golden.

"Is Glorfindel obsessed with gold or something?" Dakota asked.

"Maybe- is that a Diary?" I saw a book on a gold colored nightstand, and the cover (in gold) was 'my life.'

"It might be an autobiography..." She pointed out, but I argued.

"A diary and an autobiography are the same thing."

"Almost." She corrected. "Diaries have secrets..."

I opened the book. I flipped through all the pages.

'People in Rivendell' was pages 20- 25. Then, on page 37, it was 'secrets about everyone.' That one continued on for the next twenty pages.

"This is so disturbing." Dakota said.

"Let's burn it." I suggested.

"No!"

"We came here for revenge." I carried the book into our room and tossed into our fire.

"No!" Dakota yelled. "What about everyone's secrets?"

"We have to destroy the book of a creepy elf!" I answered. "And this is the perfect way to get revenge. We're not killing anyone, and nobody will find out. Ever."

"Fine." She grumpily sat down on her bed.

The book took forever to burn, and so we were stuck in the room all day, so that nobody would find out.

Hours later, we heard a door open quietly across the hall. Then there was a huge yell of rage (nothing compared to Thranduil's, though) and stomping.

"Guess who just found out." Dakota muttered.

"We'll be fine." I responded.

A few minutes later, Legolas ran through the door, I hastily sat in front of the fire to block the view of the book.

"I actually got to talk to Arwen!" He sounded ecstatic. "She forgave me for pointing an arrow at her- thanks to a cherry pie!"

"And us." Dakota added.

"Fine. Do you guys know why Glorfindel is so mad? He just ran by, screaming bloody murder." Legolas asked.

"We could tell you, but you have to take a vow of silence of why Glorfindel is mad." I said.

"A vow of silence?" Legolas asked. "What are you, witches?"

"Yes." I answered.

"No." Dakota responded right after me. "If you tell anyone what we did, we'll have to kill you."

"Before Glorfindel kills us."

"Okay." Legolas agreed happily.

I stood away from the fire. Legolas saw the burning book.

"He really will kill you." He commented I wonder. "Even his books are gold?"

"Yeah- it's getting dark." Dakota noticed. "I'm sleeping."

"So am I." I took the half burned book and tossed it out of the window, into a fountain on the ground. The book went into a stream, and away from Rivendell.

The next morning I was woken up by yelling. "Mr. Frodo, sir! You're awake!" The voice yelled. The speaker had a strange accent.

"There is a secret council tomorrow." A deeper voice said. "Make sure you are ready for it."

"Your arm's not cold anymore, Mr. Frodo." The first voice said.

"Of course it isn't." A third voice said.

Then there was a lot of stomping, and more people joined Mr. Frodo.

"You're awake, Frodo!" A lighter voice yelled.

"Fool of a took! Shut up!" The deeper voice said. "People are still trying to sleep.

"Not anymore." I said out loud. Then I got up. Apparently, there was a hospital in the room above mine.

I wandered around Rivendell, leaving Dakota and Legolas behind. I found a graveyard on the bottom floor, and yet another kitchen, where I stole my breakfast. Then I found another library, and a very angry Glorfindel seething behind a pile of books. I decided to never go to that library again.

Finally I decided it was time to go back to the room. On the way there, however, I heard someone say,"Don't worry about tonight's feast. You know they won't serve meat."

I decided that I needed to find a mouse.

I ran back to my room. Dakota was awake and talking to Legolas. Legolas was trying to listen but looked very confused.

"What are you telling Legolas?" I asked.

"I'm elaborating on what we did yesterday. He wants to know why Glorfindel doesn't suspect us." Dakota explained.

"There's a feast tonight." I told her.

"We probably shouldn't go. Glorfindel might suddenly remember that we blackmailed him."

"It shouldn't matter. After all, who would forget being blackmailed?" I countered. Dakota still looked unconvinced.

Then Legolas started talking. "I wanna get on Arwen's good side.." He said.

"I thought you were already on her good side." Dakota responded.

"I said she forgave me. She still doesn't really like me." Legolas corrected. "You still have to help."

"Fine. Talk to her." Dakota suggested.

"Why don't you give advice?" Legolas asked me.

"I do." I answered.

"No... You don't." Dakota, for once, took Legolas's side.

"Fine. I'll go with Legolas and help." I stood up. "Let's get this over with."

That was when I found out that Legolas was a stalker.

When we left the room, Legolas asked, "What time is it?"

"Umm.." I looked at one of the huge clocks that covered Rivendell. "It's... Twelve- thirty."

"Okay. Arwen'll be at the fountain of the evening star." Legolas told me.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"That's where she was the last time it was Twelve- thirty." Legolas answered. "Elves are creatures of habit, so what we do one day, we'll do forever."

The fountain of the evening star was a star with water coming out of all of the points. Sure enough, Arwen was there, sitting on the rim of the fountain and pretending that everyone wasn't looking at her.

Legolas hid behind a bush. I crouched down. "Why are you hiding? Go talk to Arwen."

"She's... Scary." Legolas muttered.

"Really? That's why you're stalking her?" I stood up and threw a rock at Arwen. It was probably good that it missed, but it still landed in the water and splashed water all over Arwen.

I laughed. It looked like Arwen had peed herself.

"See? Not scary."

Then Arwen started screaming. I didn't understand most of it, so I heard "Ahhh... My father will... All water shall... Go away fat pigs... Glorfindel will... Die whoever threw the rock...doom on you... What will Aragorn say... I hate life...!"

"I take that back. She's terrifying." I whispered. "We should run now."

"Why?" Legolas asked.

Then Arwen saw me. "YOU!" She screamed, and I ran. Legolas was left behind the bush.

I escaped the wrath of Arwen for a while by hiding in my room, explaining to Dakota why going outside would kill her. Then Legolas came back.

"Well, I have no chance now." He told us. "Arwen tried to kill me. Hope you're happy."

"We are." Dakota said.

"I'm not. I'm still terrified." I countered. "Do you think she'll try to kill me at the secret council?"

"No. Then she'll be banished from Rivendell."Dakota said.

"Good. I'm still going."

"That's right! I have to ask Glorfindel where it'll be." Legolas ran off.

"No matter what he tells us, we're following Legolas." Dakota said. "I have no doubt that Glorfindel will somehow give us the wrong place."

Later on, Seberbell came by. "Glorfindel wants you to know that the council will take place on the hall of fire." Seberbell said. "Goodbye."

"Yep. We're following Legolas. Seberbell was definitely lying." I said.

The next day we woke up, and Legolas was still asleep. The morning was almost over, so Dakota woke up Legolas and I did nothing to help.

Legolas walked to the mysterious room that had two guards guarding it. "Why are you following me?" He asked us.

"We forgot where the council was." We answered.

"It's in the hall of fire." He answered.

"Legolas. We're already here. We know this is where we need to go. We will get in. If you wanted to shake us off, you should have done it BEFORE you got here." Dakota responded.

Unfortunately, the guards had already heard our conversation. They let Legolas in, but blocked the doors for us.

"Let me in!" I demanded.

"You! Shall not! Pass!" The guard said like he couldn't figure out how to speak.

"I shall pass! Now LET ME IN!" Dakota yelled. The guards almost let us in. I pounded on the door. The guards wouldn't open it, but from their faces, I could see that they didn't know how to handle it when someone didn't do what they told them to do.

Eventually one of the guards said, "I'll talk to Elrond." And went inside the council. A minute later he returned.

"You. Shall. Pass!" He said, and we went in.

EVERYONE was staring at us. Everyone. All of the seats were taken, so we sat on the ground, next to one of the midgets.

"Okay... So, Bring forth the ring, Frodo." Said an elf standing at the front of the council. He had dark hair and looked angry about something... To do with Arwen?

The other midget carried a small gold ring up to the altar, and placed it carefully on the table.

Then a redhead who was sitting (in a chair) across from us stood up and said, "So this is Isildur's bane? What could possibly go wrong from using it? Why not use it?"

"Nobody can wield it!" A dark- haired person answered.

"You're saying that only Saroun can use it?" The redhead asked.

"Yea!" Dark- hair answered.

"You're saying that we cannot use this evil ring created by Saroun, that killed Isildur, destroyed Saroun once, and created a monster, to save Gondor? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"We must destroy it in Mordor-"

Again, the redhead spoke up. "One does not simply march into Mordor. You'd need an army of thousands- no, millions- of men, not to mention Gandalf's fireworks, a Smeagol float, fifty elephants, 300 wizards, every elf, and random sinkholes."

He said.

"Is that all?" The head elf asked.

"No! You'd also need.. Um.. Poison! Yeah, poison... And battering rams, and the rin-"

"That's enough." This time it was a girl who was sitting next to the redhead who cut him off. "We all get it... You want to destroy all of middle earth, not the ring."

"Who are you?" The redhead asked.

"I'm Beth." She answered.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

"That's none of your business." Beth answered.

"She's my little sister." The dark haired person answered. Beth glared at him.

"Well, ANYway," Elrond continued, "Gandalf has important news to tell us.

"I was captured by Saruman, and I was saved by the great eagles of the north." Gandalf explained. He actually said much more than that.

Then a third midget- an old one, too- explained how the ring got to Frodo.

Finally, Legolas told everyone how orcs had destroyed Dakota's and my old kingdom, and the same orcs had later helped Gollum escape.

"Now, we must decide who will cast the ring into the fiery chasm from whence it came!" The head elf said.

I raised a hand. "You know that nobody says 'whence' anymore, right?"

Dakota smacked me again. Elrond answered me. "You destroyed Arwen's dress, didn't you?"

"NO." I lied. "Who's Arwen?"

Elrond sighed. "Who will go on this miserable, dreadful journey?"

"I will go! It sounds like an adventure!" Frodo volunteered.

"You have my... Broken... Useless... Sword!" Dark- hair responded.

"And my crappy Mirkwood bow that comes with five arrows!" Legolas said.

"And my axe, which I just broke trying to destroy the ring." Another midget volunteered. I could tell this one was a dwarf, though.

"And my fireworks, in case we have time to host a party!" Gandalf added.

"And my shield and horn, which may or may not save my life later." The redhead added.

"And us!" The midget next to us stood up, along with two others that were hiding in the bushes.

"And my amazing animal skills." Beth said.

"And my... Wings!" Dakota added.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. Then I said, "And my sense of humor!"

"Why would we want that?" Redhead asked.

"In case someone dies." Beth answered.

"More companions than we need." Elrond said approvingly. "You shall go into Mordor, and Ack, Ach!"

Elrond broke into a coughing fit. I stifled laughter.

Then Arwen busted into the room. "Daddy!" She cried. "I want a pony!"

Elrond scowled. "I told you, Arwen. No pony until you clean your room." Arwen pouted and slouched out of the room.

"Why are you volunteering?" I hissed at Dakota again.

"Because we have nothing better to do." Dakota replied.

"Fine." I said dully.

"You shall leave in two months!" Elrond barked. "You stand absolutely no chance. Especially you, hobbits!"

I saw the midgets (minus the dwarf) look at Elrond in horror. So they were hobbits? What idiot came up with that name?

We all went to leave, but Gandalf said, "Oh, we all have to introduce each other!"

I groaned.

"Would you like to go first?" He asked Beth.

"I'm Beth."

Redhead came foreword. "I am Boromir, Steward of Gondor!"

"That sound like a terrible title." I said.

Dark hair went next. "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of isildur, older brother of Beth."

"That's a mouthful." Dakota said. "Aragorn son of Aragorn?"

"Arathorn." I corrected.

Legolas went next. "I am Legolas, prince of Mirkwood."

"I am Gimli, prince of the land under the mountain!" The dwarf declared.

"Ha! I told you that you dwarves don't own the land above the mountain!" Legolas laughed.

"Why, you little-" Gimli growled, but then Frodo and his group went.

Frodo went first. Then Sam. "My name is Sam." Sam said.

"I'm Merridoc Brandybuck!" Merry declared.

"I'm Perigrin (or pippin) Took!" Pippin told us.

"I'm Gandalf," Gandalf said. "I'm a Pyromaniac."

"I'm Ra." I told them when it was my turn.

"I'm Dakota, princess of a land that doesn't exist anymore." Dakota explained.

The fellowship disbanded, and we waited for the day that we would leave.

Two months later, after the rangers and elves finished scouting, in the middle of the end of winter, it was time to go.


	3. Cadahras, The Mines of Moria, and Lorien

When it was the day to go, we were standing at Elrond's front door. Gandalf was doing SOMETHING that was probably useless, and Frodo was peeing in the bushes by an outhouse. Even though we were a couple yards away and talking, I could still hear the pattering sound of liquid hitting dirt.

For the fifth time, I yelled, "FRODO! PEE IN THE OUTHOUSE!"

"NO!" Frodo yelled back.

"How long does it take for him to pee?" Dakota asked. "He's been peeing for the last five minutes."

Beth came over. "You should have traveled with him here. Half of each day was spent waiting on Frodo to stop peeing. And when the ringwraiths came- the smell ran them off."

"Seriously?" I asked.

"No. It was more of waiting a third of a day." Beth replied.

"ROPE!" Sam yelled. "I FORGOT THE ROPE! DAMN IT!"

"It's okay!" Beth called back. "I have some."

"Oh..." Sam's face was red with embarrassment. "I-I didn't... Know that."

"Clearly." Dakota muttered.

Then Gandalf joined us with Elrond. "When I find out who cussed, I will personally wash out their mouth with my famous firesoap." He said.

"You would do well to travel by night." Elrond suggested. "Why not do that for a while?"

"Because it's daylight, and we're starting now?" Beth answered.

"It was a rhetorical question." Elrond frowned. "The walk is long by foot, so I hope that Nobody Dies."

"Hold on! Can't we get Gandalf's eagle friends to fly us to Mordor?" I asked.

"You know what- the girls can't go." Elrond said.

"Why?" Beth, Dakota, and I all asked.

"I don't like you." Elrond answered.

"Then you should send us! We'll be going to our death!" Dakota argued.

Elrond looked really, really confused, and just ran back inside.

"Wow." Beth said. "That was amazingly easy."

"We will not use the eagles." Gandalf said. "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

"Dumber than Boromir?" I asked.

A few seconds later, Boromir finally understood what I said. "Heyyy..." He complained.

Then Frodo joined us. "Wonderful bathroom break." He said.

"Why didn't you just use the outhouse?" Beth asked him.

"It was- there was an outhouse?"

"You peed right next to it." Dakota told him.

"What?"

"Yay!" Legolas yelled. "There are people dumber than me!" He ran in circles, yelling that, until he ran into a tree and gave himself a concussion. The tree fell down.

"I feel bad." Dakota said.

"For the tree?" Beth asked.

"Yep!"

"Dead from Legolas's stupidity." I added.

"A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR THIS TREE!" Beth yelled.

"Let's move on." Gandalf said. We walked into the woods, following a trail until it split. At the fork, Arwen burst out of nowhere, and ran up to Aragorn.

"Help!" She yelled. "I haven't said- oh, there you are!"

"Get away from my brother!" Beth yelled at her.

"Why?" Arwen asked.

Beth pulled out a sword and pointed it at Arwen. She backed up.

"Fine." She spat. Then she ran off into the woods.

There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at Aragorn, and then at Beth.

Finally, Frodo asked, "What direction do I go in?"

"Ummmmm left." Gandalf answered, and we walked single file into the woods down the trail.

For the next four weeks (I think) we walked at night, eating cold food and drinking warm water. Boromir continued to be a pig, and Aragorn was pompous as ever. Gandalf was stern, while the hobbits were like little kids. Frodo was more like an adult, though. Gimli and Legolas kept arguing, and Beth, Dakota, and I got along really well.

After the woods, we reached Hollin. Aragorn pompously explained what the country was like. "Elves used to live here." He explained. "Then they moved away. The stones remember the elves, and the trees, but nothing else."

"They'll remember an elf now." Legolas said.

"No. You won't have stayed long enough to make a difference." Beth explained.

"Oh." Legolas looked disappointed, and Gimli started laughing.

"Ha ha ha... Stupid elf."

Legolas notched an arrow. "Say that again."

"Ha ha ha... Stupid-"

"We will stay here tonight, and tomorrow. We will have a great warm meal, and-" Gandalf began, but then Merry screamed.

"I LOVE YOU GANDALF!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

A while later, I was trying to talk Dakota and Beth into sticking worms in Boromir's horn. Boromir was busy fighting with Merry and Pippin, and Sam was cooking at a campfire with Frodo. Aragorn was watching the hobbits fight, and Gandalf was getting high off of whatever he was smoking. Legolas was staring off into the distance, looking like he was giving a telepathic speech to a crowd of invisible people. Based on his face, it was very rousing.

"Come on. Five earthworms." I said.

"No. I will NOT get my hands dirty so that I can find Worms-" Dakota said.

"Imagine how the worms would feel." Beth added.

"FINE. I can't convince you. But I'll do it myself!" I stood up and went to find the worms, when suddenly Legolas roared, "HIDE!"

I hid under a bush, grabbing my pack. Sam kicked the campfire apart and Frodo was snatched up by Aragorn. Then Aragorn picked up Beth, and they all hid under a bush. Boromir picked up the hobbits and dragged them under a rock. Gandalf stood up on the highest rock. He was clearly high.

"Yiiiiiiipppppeeeeeeee!" He yelled, raising his fists and barely keeping his balance. Dakota, from where ever she was hiding, threw a rock and it knocked Gandalf into the bushes.

Bill the pony hid himself. Legolas hid under- yes- another bush.

A flock of birds flew by, low over our camp. Minutes later, they were completely out of sight and we emerged from our hiding spaces.

"The enemy knows where we are." Gandalf said. Legolas had an expression of pure terror on his face. "We will have to go through the Pass of Caradhras."

"Guys- it's barely spring. We'll never make it!" Beth pointed out.

"But... Snow." Pippin said.

"We won't remember the last snow. Only Bilbo does." Merry added.

"I have a problem, too." Aragorn said. "Nobody can stop being high that fast. I'm jealous."

"Well, we have to move on early tonight." Gandalf said. "Come on."

We packed up all over again, and walked until it got dark. then we walked some more.

About a week later, we got to Caradhras.

"We shall now walk the pass!" Gandalf said.

"But I don't wanna..." Boromir said. "I want to go around the mountains, south."

"We'd be too close to Isengard, then, moron!" I hissed. "Let's just get the pass over with."

So we walked. It was long and freezing, and only Legolas seemed happy. He was running along on top of the snow, singing something about orcs who caught birds to make pies.

"How are you so Happy?" Sam asked. "Stop!"

"And the Orc grabbed the bird, and the bird was absurd..." Sang Legolas.

"We need to build a shelter! The little ones won't make it!" Boromir called ahead to Gandalf.

"Who are you calling 'little'?" Gimli yelled. "You will regret that one day, when orcs are attacking and you die while I live!"

"And we're fine!" Frodo yelled as he tripped face- first into a pile of snow.

Then boulders started falling. Dakota yelled as the giant snowballs fell, and it seemed like they were targeting her.

"Get behind someone!" Beth yelled.

Dakota ran to the wall we were walking by and curled into a ball. Legolas finally looked less cheerful, which made me happier, and Sam yelled, "IF THIS IS SHELTER, THEN ONE WALL AND NO ROOF MAKES A HOUSE!"

"Listen! Do you not here the foul voice of Saruman?" Cried Aragorn?

"Yes!" Yelled everyone else.

"We need a fire!" Yelled Beth.

"PYROMANIAC POWERS, ACTIVATE!" Gandalf yelled, and lit his staff in fire. Then he melted the snow at his feet, picked up the sticks there, and made a fire.

The boulders kept falling. Eventually, Boromir couldn't stand it anymore.

"FINE!" He cried. "WE GIVE UP, GOD OF THIS MOUNTAIN!"

The boulders abruptly stopped, and we stood up. Except for Frodo. He turned blue.

"Dammit!" Gandalf muttered. "I have to use the last of my pipe weed!" He lit his pipe and stuck it in Frodo's mouth. Frodo returned to his normal color, but he was dazed.

"Here, Boromir... I've always wanted to say... I love you."

"What the hell?" Aragorn had a look of such jealousy on his face, I laughed.

"Just kidding." Frodo stood up like nothing happened. "Boromir, you're stupid. I really kind of hate you."

"I'm glad my pipe weed worked." Gandalf said.

"Oh, yeah, thanks for that. That was almost as good as good as Longbottom leaf." Frodo added.

Then he stood up, took off the ring, threw it, and bellyflopped into the snow.

Aragorn helped him up, while Boromir helped the ring up. "Evil ring," he said. "Will you marry me?"

"Give the ring back to Frodo, ultimate moron."

Boromir slowly gave the ring back to Frodo, who put it back on.

"What was that about?" Dakota asked.

"Oh, Frodo just smoked. He's going to be a little... Weird for a few days." Gandalf explained.

"Oh. Helpful, isn't it, for the ringbearer to be high on drugs for a few days." Beth muttered.

"We must go through the Mines of Moria!" Gandalf declared.

"Umm... Are you possibly a little INSANE?" Dakota shrieked. "There are MONSTERS in there, even a WATCHER in the lake, and a patrol of orcs with a CAVE TROLL, and DURIN'S BANE!"

"I, personally, wish to go." Gimli said. "My cousin went there, to try and reclaim the mines of Khazad- Dum." He explained. "He will give us a break... He should still be alive, even though we haven't heard from him in two years."

"Oh, sure." I muttered. "Your cousin will be dead in there, I promise."

"How can you say that? Be nice!" Dakota chided.

"What about you? You haven't been exactly NICE the last few days."

"Yes I have!"

"We'll let the ringbearer decide." Aragorn declared.

Frodo looked green. "Let's get off the mountain first." He suggested. "And then, we'll sleep on it."

We got off the mountain a few hours later. Boromir and Aragorn had made a passage in the snow. Meanwhile, Legolas had gotten bored and decided to wait for us at the bottom of the mountain. Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo were all playing a game called 'under hill and over water.' It had been created by Bilbo after his big adventure.

Pippin kept winning, to everyone else's annoyance.

Eventually, Boromir and Aragorn came back.

"We have good news..." Aragorn began.

"YES!" Yelled Merry. "IN YOUR FACE, PIPPIN! I WIN!"

"I accept my defeat." Pippin said. "What's the news?"

"We can leave now!" Boromir laughed. He was the only one.

"Why are you laughing?" Gandalf asked.

"I'm relieved." Boromir explained. "We get to leave the cursed mountain-"

"Whatever." I said. "Let's go."

Dakota whacked the back of my head. "Be mice."

"Did you just say mice?" Beth asked.

"No? Why?" Dakota answered haughtily.

"Because that's what we heard." I answered.

"Okay. Be NICE!" Dakota hissed.

We walked down the mountain, each carrying a still rather fat hobbit. Expect Dakota and Gandalf. Dakota couldn't carry a hobbit because of her wings.

"It took us a week to get this high!" Grumbled Pippin.

"You can't complain. You're not walking." I fired back.

Boromir was carrying Frodo. He was also trying to convince Frodo to let him hold the ring.

"Please. Five seconds." Boromir begged.

"For the last time, NO!" Frodo yelled.

"Please?"

Frodo elbowed Boromir's head.

Hours later, we were at the base. "Time to kiss Caradhras goodbye!" I yelled. A boulder of ice came speeding down the mountain, and we all barely got out of the way.

Then Legolas came running towards us. "I have found the legendary sunleaf! He cried. "This should replace what Frodo smoked." He handed a fistful of leaves to Gandalf.

It was, by then, almost dark. The sun wasn't even visible anymore.

"Have you decided?" Gandalf asked. "Shall we go through the balrog- infest- sorry. Shall we go through Moria?"

"What do you mean, balrog infested?" Legolas asked.

"Oh, nothing..." Gandalf giggled nervously. "Frodo?"

"I will agree, as long as everyone else agrees." Frodo said.

"Well, I agree. I mean, Durin's bane can't be THAT bad, right? It only destroyed a whole kingdom and cursed the name of that kingdom." Someone said.

"I want everyone to sleep on it. In the morning, you'll be more likely to say yes." Frodo ordered. "Oh, how the wind howls."

Aragorn suddenly stood up. "How the wind howls- that's not the wind! Those are wargs! I've been hearing them for ages."

"That's it! When we get into Moria-" Boromir was cut off as a wary came into the clearing.

"I'm a good warg, I am," It said in TERRIBLE Common Tounge.

"RUN!" Yelled Gandalf.

"I made a song!" Legolas yelled. "Do you want to hear it?"

"No!" Everyone yelled as we ran.

"The wolf that one fears is worse,

Than the Orc that one hears,

(True, but)

But where the warg prowls, there also

The wolf howls!" Legolas sang.

"I have a punishment for both of you, now!" Gandalf yelled.

The wargs chased us until we got to the door of Moria. I had a Horrible cramp in my side, and Dakota had resorted to flying. Beth had somehow started riding Bill the Pony.

At the door, the wargs gave up. It was night, and Gandalf said "the door should be HERE." He pointed to a spot on the wall.

"Not here, or here, but here." He was now pointing all over the wall.

Then the moon came out (convenient, much?) and made the door light up. It was between two small, dead trees. Behind us there was a dark lake, and it was scary.

"Speak, friend, and enter." Gandalf read.

"What does that mean?" Merry asked.

"What does 'repeat after me mean?'" Gandalf asked.

"What?" Merry was clearly confused.

I threw a rock in the water. Immediately, Gandalf yelled, "WHO DID THAT?"

"I did," Pippin said.

"You will be punished, too!"

"Thanks," I said to Pippin.

"Have you ever tried watermelon?" Asked Beth.

"No." I answered.

"Yes. I've tried every kind of melons, even elvish melons. Aren't the elves friendly?"

"You guys know what the password is, don't you?" I asked.

"We're trying to give Gandalf a hint. We both know elvish." Dakota explained.

"Gandalf!" I called. "Have you ever had a friendly melon?"

"No, but... FRIEND MEANS MELLON!" Gandalf yelled. The doors opened.

Then the lake exploded as thousands of tentacles reached to grab us. One grabbed Frodo, but Sam handled it really well, until the thing's head busted out.

"I WANTED PIZZA! I'VE WAITED FOR SOOOO LOOONG!" It yelled.

"We don't have pizza!" Legolas yelled as we ran into Moria.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The creature wailed. Then it blocked the doors behind us.

"Now, we have no choice but to face the Long Dark of Moria." Gandalf said in an eerie voice.

"Really, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked.

"That's right, you misbehaved. Pippin, Legolas, Aragorn, come here."

They came foreword.

"TIME TO GET HOGTIED!" Gandalf yelled,and suddenly they were all hogtied. Which meant that we had to carry them.

We walked. And walked. And walked. And when walking became too boring to handle anymore, we slept.

Then we got to a room. "Time to take another break." Gandalf said. "Untie our misbehavers."

So we did, and we went into the room. There was a huge, huge, hole in the ground. Pippin took a rock and threw it in the hole. We all froze.

"Throw yourself in, next time!" Gandalf yelled. "And rid us of your stupidity!"

Pippin looked like he was going to cry, but Gandalf said, "Even though there is a monster in here somewhere, and it knows of us now, we will stay here for the night. And Pippin, because you are a fool of a took, you shall take the first watch."

We all went to sleep, and when I woke up, it was time to go. "I don't have a watch?" I asked.

"We had the idiots do double watches, since they are so hyper." Dakota explained.

"Did you do one?" She seemed so tired.

"No. But I had nightmares."

"We need to move on." Gandalf said.

Five minutes later, we were stuck. Gandalf was looking at a fork in the road and deciding where to go. Frodo was in a conversation with him, asking why Bilbo hadn't killed Gollum. Gandalf explained that Bilbo had mercy. Frodo still didn't get it. As we all settled down to stay there for a while of dozed off, Gandalf yelled "AHA!"

"What?" Sam asked, sitting up quickly and hitting his head.

"We go in the middle tunnel. When in doubt, use your nose.

"It took you that long to use your nose?" Beth muttered.

"Onward!" Aragorn added.

We walked through the tunnel, and eventually came to a high vaulted room. "Soon, my friends, you shall enjoy the hospitality of the DWARVES!" Gimli was saying. Had he NOT noticed that the whole mine was abandoned?

We walked to the end, where there was a little side room. The from was actually light, and so I could see everything. There was a well near the edge of the room, and a tomb in the middle, with a book on it. There was a shelf on a wall, and the walls, were, of course, stone.

Gandalf sat down and started reading, and Legolas said, "We should leave."

"I'm with Legolas." Beth said. "Elves are like animals. Great sense of danger."

Everyone ignored them.

Pippin looked at the well, and knocked a bucket into it.

"Damn it, Fool of a took! Stop being so CLUMSY!" Gandalf yelled. "I'm trying to read!"

Then he got to the end of the book, and said "we gotta get going."

"Finally!" Legolas said, but then we heard drums.

"Never mind. We're going to lock ourselves in here and fight our way out instead." Gandalf said.

"Just wait to be attacked, instead of run?" Dakota clarified.

"Exactly."

"That's as stupid as Boromir." Boromir said.

We all looked at him, but he didn't figure out what he said.

Then, fifteen minutes later, we heard pattering." They're here." Gandalf noticed, as did everyone else.

Boromir looked through a hole in the wall. "THEY... Hahaha, HAVE, hahaha... a... CAVE TROLL."

Aragorn got an arrow ready (where did it come from?) and pointed it at the door. Legolas looked ready to pass out.

The orcs started beating at the door. I went to grab my weapon-

"Idon'thaveaweaponI'mgoingtodie!" I yelled. Then the first Orc busted through, and was shot by Legolas or Aragorn. I grabbed its sword. I could barely lift it, but it worked.

And then the rest went through. I was one of the first to be attacked, and after fighting the Orc for a minute and still not gaining any ground, I decided that I would die.

I ran off.

'Please, please don't follow me!' I thought.

It followed. I climbed the wall to escape it, but it still followed me. After the first five feet, it couldn't climb anymore, and I hung on for dear life to the wall.

Dakota began flying to escape the orcs, but then the cave troll came through. It waved around a stick with spikes on it, and managed to hit Dakota, she went flying into a wall, and I thought she was dead

Beth was too busy killing orcs to help Dakota, and Frodo was getting his butt kicked. Legolas was focusing on the troll, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn were trying to reach Frodo, Gandalf was sending orcs flying with his staff, and Boromir was trying to block the doors.

I let go of the wall and ran to Dakota. Gandalf yelled, "Go through the door!" But I still picked Dakota up and tried to run. It was impossible. Dakota was too heavy.

The orcs reached the door before Dakota and I did. They ran out, and I hid in the room instead of following them.

Seconds later, I felt an intense heat, and I saw something strange come into the room. It was red and black, and it was for sure, evil. It looked like it had ram horns on its head, and carried a whip.

I held my breath as it passed. It didn't even look my way. I almost died when it got to the door and paused, but quickly it went through.

I heard yelling as the thing went through the door, and then smashing. Then, for a very long time, silence, although it could have been a minute. Orcs ran by, and when they were long gone, I picked up Dakota and left the room.

There was an abyss. It was a bottomless pit, and it went down and down, and it was so dark! There was a ledge leading around it, and it led straight over the gap. I walked along it, when I heard something behind me.

I looked back, but nothing was there. Going on, I noticed that the ledge wasn't very stable, and it suddenly came to an abrupt end. There was nowhere to go. I was stuck.

I sat on the edge of the ledge, and stayed there for a while, wondering if I should throw myself off then or wait.

Hours later, Dakota sat up. I jumped.

"Dakota!" I yelled. "I thought you were dead!"

"Why?" She asked.

"Because you were hit by cave troll, smashed in a wall, and I haven't seen you breathe for hours." I explained.

"We need to get out." Dakota said.

"Can you fly us out?"

"I'll try." She grabbed my hand and jumped off the ledge. At first we plummeted a couple hundred feet before she managed to fly. Then her wings gave out. We both screamed as we fell, and out of nowhere, a ledge appeared. We fell on it.

"Than you, life!" I yelled.

There was a tunnel behind is, and we followed it. It led upwards, and then we got to a broken bridge.

"Ready to fly again?" I asked. "It looks like a short distance."

We flew over the broken part of the broken bridge, and then we landed on the intact part.

There was a cavern at the end of the bridge, so we walked towards it, and at the end we saw a light.

I raced to it while Dakota followed slower. The light was the exit, and I was relieved to finally be out of Moria.

"Where do we go now?" I asked Dakota.

"We were supposed to go to Lorien." Dakota said. "We could try to make it to Lorien today, but it would be almost impossible if we were in perfect condition... Which we're not.

"So we're going to sleep out here tonight." I summed up. "In a tree."

"No! We'll fall out." Dakota argued.

"If we're on the ground, they'll kill us." I pointed out.

"Then let's go up the mountain." Dakota suggested. "And then keep a watch."

"Okay." I agreed. We went up the mountain for a very long time, and then we slept.

The next morning, we went back down the mountain, and then we ran east. It was long and boring. The most interesting thing was when I tripped over a rock.

Eventually we reached a forest. "Is this it?" I asked Dakota.

"I think so." She answered. "These are Mallorn trees."

"I thought they were golden." I argued.

"Not this time of year. Wait until summer and fall."

"It's not summer yet?" I groaned.

"Well, we can walk from here." Dakota said optimistically.

We walked on, until we reached a river where it sounded like someone was singing.

"Is this the Nimrodel?" I asked.

"You actually did pay a little attention to my maps!" Dakota exclaimed. "Yes. And it's either this river or the next one that makes people more energized."

I plunged into the water. "It's definitely this one!"

Dakota waded in, and started shivering.

"It's freezing!" She squeaked.

"No it isn't." I argued. "Come on." We got out of the river, and weariness was replaced with discomfort, because now we were muddy.

We trudged onward, and we got to a Second river. It was wide and fast, and there was a thin rope tied to trees on either side.

"Let's cross over here." I said.

"Cross THAT?"

"You're half elf. You'll be fine."

"Easy for you to say. You're a cat." Dakota muttered.

"I'll go first if you want." I offered.

"Let me go first."

Dakota crossed the river using a piece of rope- With Her Eyes Closed.

"See?" I called. "Easy."

Then I went. It was trickier than I thought, and I crawled across. I was doing okay until I got near the end and rolled. "How did you do this?" I yelled. I slowly kept moving, but I was loosing my grip. My hands were getting sweaty.

When I made it I fell on my back.

"WE LIVED!" Dakota yelled.

"YEAH!" I screamed. We walked onward, and then, out of nowhere, a arrow was pointed at my face. Looking around, I saw that I was surrounded.

The leader started talking in elvish, and Dakota replied. "What are you saying?" I asked. "I don't know a lot of elvish. Only one word."

"You are going to Lorien." The leader said. "I am Seberbell the second, guard of Lorien. Follow me."

We followed Seberbell 2 to Lorien. We had to walk around a huge fence to get inside the city, and inside, there was a scary lady.

We were standing on some unstable stairs high above the ground when the scary elf leader and his wife came down to meet us.

The elf leader may have been the official leader, but his wife did all the talking.

"I am Galadriel, and this is Celeborn." She said in a slow voice. "I know who you are and why you have come. Your friends are alive."

"Can we see them?" Dakota asked. "Please?"

"Where are they?" I asked.

"They are in that tent over there." Galadriel pointed to a small orange tent under a tree.

I darted. Dakota followed. We went to the tent, went inside- and there everyone was. Except Gandalf.

"You're alive!" Aragorn yelled.

"We thought you had died too-" Beth began, but then stopped. Everyone glared at her.

"What happened to Gandalf?" Dakota asked.

"He has fallen into the shadow." Sam said.

"What?" Dakota laughed.

"I'm serious." Sam said. Dakota started crying.

"Why does everyone have to DIE!" She wailed.

And suddenly everyone started talking. The welcome back party was over.

We spent weeks in Lorien, and eventually, Aragorn said: "Okay, time to go. If we leave now, we get PRESENTS!"

Everyone stood up, packed up, and raced to the gates of Lorien. Then someone named Haldir guided us to the river with the string, and sent us in boats. Galadriel appeared, singing in a giant swan.

"Lalapalalalalalalaaaaaapaaaalaaaa!" She sang.

"Can you shut up?" I groaned. She finished her song, and then made us all wait for her to reach us and get out of her boat.

"I have PRESENTS!" She cried.

"For all of you, magic cloaks. You will not be seen!"

She looked at Legolas. "Here is your awesome new bow!" She said.

Aragorn: "I have made you a wonderful flowery sheath for Andruil, flame of the west!" She yelled.

"Clasps for all of you." She offered.

"The hobbits get swords- or, as we elves call them, toothpicks." The hobbits looked insulted.

"And Gimli, here's my hair!" She pulled off her hair, revealing that she had actually been wearing a wig.

"Boromir- a golden belt. How does that sound?"

"Sam, you like to garden, so I made you rope and a box of useless dirt."

"Frodo, the light of our most AMAZING star- I can't remember it's name."

"For the girls-" she pulled out three dresses.

"Umm..." We all said.

"PUT THEM ON!"'she roared, and we ran into the woods.

"I don't know about you." I muttered. "But I'm picking up on a very serious hint, here."

"I have yours, Dakota." Beth said. Dakota's had holes in the back for wings. Dakota and Beth traded, and we put on the dress.

"As soon as we get to stop, I'm changing." I said in disgust.

"I've worn worse." Dakota claimed.

"You don't count. You're a princess. You're forced to wear stuff like this." Beth grumbled.

When we finished, I realized just how crazy Galadriel was. We all looked like we were going to kill her.

We slowly went back to the rest.

"Galadriel, you've made an enormous mistake." Merry said. "I think they're going to kill you."

"Nonsense." Galadriel replied. "I'm surrounded by my guards. They wouldn't stand a chance."

"Time to go!" Aragorn said. Beth for in the boat with Aragorn, Sam, and Frodo. Dakota joined Merry and Pippin and Boromir.

I sat in between Legolas and Gimli. The death of Gandalf caused them to be friends.

Once we were out of earshot of Galadriel, I called to Beth: "Ask if we can stop early!"

Beth said something to Aragorn, who shook his head.

"He says we're on a schedule. No early breaks unless someone attacks!" She called back.

"Tell him I'll shoot him if we don't stop now!" Dakota yelled.

"He says you wouldn't hit him." Beth called.

"Does he want to bet?" I asked.

"Yes!" Beth called.

I grabbed one of Legolas's arrows (Galadriel had given him none, but somehow he had at least twenty.) and tried to grab the bow.

"No!" Legolas shouted. "You'll break it! It's MY PRECIOUS!"

"Fine!" I gave him his bow back, and grabbed a paddle. "I'll hijack the boat."

And so we got to stop so that we could kill the dresses. Then we continued down the river, and Lothlorien was left behind. None of us ever went there again.


	4. The Breaking of the Fellowship

"Are we there yet?" Legolas asked for the fifth time.

"No! Stop asking stupid questions!" Gimli barked.

"I'm tired of paddling!" Legolas complained.

"Then let me paddle." I said.

"No! You have already proven yourself useless at it!" Legolas argued.

"Then don't complain. Gimli's not complaining."

"LOOK! IT'S THE ARGONATH!" Pippin yelled. "BOROMIR, STOP BEING SUCH A CREEPER! YOU ARE STALKING FRODO, DO YOU KNOW THAT?"

The Argonath was impressive. It looked almost like it had been recently built. There was little damage done to it, and the two statues were identical.

"Wow." I breathed.

We stopped the boats there, and made a camp.

"Let's sing a campfire song!" Legolas suggested.

"What is with you and singing?" Dakota asked.

"It's an elf thing." Beth said.

"They just can't shut up when they can sing." Gimli added.

"It would be funny if someone abducted an elf and the elf started singing." I pointed out.

"I would be that elf." Legolas admitted.

"Where's Frodo?" Sam asked. "And where's Boromir?"

"Here I am!" Frodo said, coming out from behind a tree. "You really do care."

Boromir appeared. "What were you doing?" Aragorn asked.

"Well..." Boromir began, and told us about the bathroom break he just had.

"You're disgusting." Beth said when he finished.

"You should just die now." Aragorn said. "You've scarred the hobbits!"

Boromir sat down. "I'm with Legolas on singing the campfire song.

"No! We are not singing that song!" Hissed Aragorn.

"Fine. You don't have to. Boromir and I can sing it ourselves." Legolas sniffed.

"NOBODY is singing the song." Aragorn clarified.

"Meanie." Legolas muttered.

So we sat in silence around the campfire, until we heard a pattering sound.

"Hold on- where's Frodo- and Boromir's gone, too!" Sam said.

"I'm right here!" Frodo said.

"Where?" Sam asked.

"Behind this bush!" Frodo answered.

"Oh. What are you doing?" Sam asked.

"Using the bush as an outhouse." Frodo answered. We moved the camp after that.

"I wonder where Boromir is." Merry said.

"Yeah. He was acting very strange on the boat." Pippin added.

"You've already said that." Beth pointed out.

"He was crazy enough to make it worth saying multiple times." Merry explained.

Frodo returned. "You didn't have to move because of me." He said.

"Yeah, we did. Thanks to you, Sam didn't cook the bacon right." I grumbled.

"It's just bacon-"

"IT WAS THE BEST THING IN MIDDLE EARTH UNTIL YOU DECIDED TO PEE IN THE CAMP SO NOW IT DIDN'T GET COOKED RIGHT FRODO! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" I yelled.

"You just broke the golden rule. Do not say anything about bacon around Ra unless you are complementing it." Dakota told Frodo.

I continued. "I HAVE NOT HAD BACON IN AGES AND I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHERE THIS BACON CAME FROM AND IT WAS THE ONLY BACON WE HAD AND IT IS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOU!"

Boromir came back. "What does 'complimenting' mean?" He asked.

"You see, this is why I am the rightful king of Gondor!" Aragorn snorted. "I have intelligence and you do not."

"I disagree." Dakota said. "You haven't heard yourself when you wake up. You're delusional. Yesterday you thought you could fly."

"Dakota, was that an insult?" I asked in mock surprise.

"No. A lot of people are like that in the morning. I'm just saying that in the morning, Boromir should be king."

"Why?" I asked. "He's the dumbest thing I saw since Legolas."

"In the morning, he's like Nicola Tesla."

"Who's that?" Pippin asked.

"A character I read about in a book. He was a genius in the book."

"What was the book?" Beth asked.

"Timeline. It took place on a planet called Earth."

"Where's Frodo and Boromir?" Sam asked yet again.

We looked around, and then Dakota said, "Ra, you do not want to see this."

I went over there, and there was Frodo, sitting by a tree, eating the last of the bacon.

I yelled a battle cry and went to rescue the bacon. "Give me the bacon!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Frodo ran away from it, and I gulped it down.

"That was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen ." He said faintly.

Then Boromir appeared. "I think we need more wood for the campfire. We desperately need some."

"Fine. Go get it." Pippin snapped.

We went back to the campfire.

"You know, I just realized, why do we have a campfire when it's daylight?" Beth asked.

"Because there's nothing better to do. We're just going to sit here, until the orcs we know are following us come and attack us, and maybe kill one of us."

"WE'RE BEING CHASED BY ORCS?" Yelled Dakota. "AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE?"

"Yes." Aragorn confirmed.

I looked up from the bacon. "We need to move."

"But we don't know where to go from here." Legolas pointed out.

"I know!" Frodo yelled. "See ya, suckers!" And he ran to a boat, pushed it into the water, and started to float downstream.

"Wait for me, mister Frodo, sir!" Sam cried, and picked up a backpack and the rope.

"No! Sam! You can't swim." Frodo said.

But Sam just ran into the water, and with a flash, grew a tail instead of legs. "I've always dreamed of being a mermaid!" He yelled. "And now I am."

Seconds later, they were out of sight. We were speechless.

"Nooooo!" Something with a hissing voice yelled. "Theys escaped. Damn them, filthy hobbitses. We hates them FOREVER!"

And a weird grey creature ran by, chasing the boat.

"It's Gollum." Legolas said, dazed.

"Let's pretend that we never saw him." Aragorn said.

Then there was a crashing sound, and a random Orc ran into Boromir. Aragorn chopped its head off, and Boromir's face was covered in blood.

"I will never forget this." I vowed. "You will be reminded of this for the rest of your life."

More orcs came, grabbing Pippin and Merry, and running off. Some attacked us. By the time they were all dead, Boromir had been shot by two arrows.

"Help me,Aragon." Boromir said.

"You're lucky." Aragorn said.

"I'M LUCKY? NONE OF YOU EVEN GOT SCRATCHED!" Boromir yelled.

"You're not dead." Beth pointed out.

"We need to follow the hobbits." Legolas said.

"We'll run!" Aragorn suggested.

"IF WE RUN ALL THE WAY TO THE ORCS I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP." I stated.

"Fine, then. Let's go!" And we were off.


	5. Rescuing the Hobbits

The first interesting thing that happened once we got into Rohan was Legolas finding a strange plant. The only person who knew what it was was Gimli.

"What's that plant?" Legolas asked.

"I don't have any idea." Said Aragorn, the plant expert.

"If you try it, I'll tell you what it is. I promise, it is not lethal." Gimli promised.

"Okay." Legolas and Aragorn picked up parts of the plant and started eating them.

"This tastes terrible." Aragorn said as he reached for another pice of the plant.

"I hate it." Legolas agreed, stuffing his face.

Gimli laughed. "Don't eat any more. You're already getting addicted to it."

"No I'm not!" Legolas protested. "I'm an elf."

"This plant is in the lotus family. Even a dragon could get addicted to this." Gimli explained.

"I want to eat mooooorrrrrreeeeee!" Aragorn wailed.

"Gimli, what have you done to my brother?" Beth asked.

Gimli looked troubled. "I may have gotten them addicted to lotuses."

"That's a lotus plant?" Boromir asked, and swallowed the thing whole.

After the plant was gone, Aragorn and Legolas acted like their normal selves again. And we had to start running all over again.

The run rose in the sky, and it got sweltering hot. There was only one thing worse than running all the time: hot weather.

I was shedding like crazy. There was a river of fur flying behind me, flying into Gimli's face. He couldn't keep up with the rest of us.

Then we started seeing rocks. The rocks turned into boulders, and the boulders remained boulders. The landscape got boring after the first thirty steps.

"We are gaining on the hobbits!" Aragorn suddenly yelled.

"Yay!" Legolas punched the air, and then made an expression like he smelled bad. "I need to take a bath." He said.

"Can we have a break, then?" Dakota asked hopefully.

"No!" Aragorn said.

"I'm tired, though." Boromir complained.

So we went on, and five minutes later, we were surrounded by people on horses.

"Where did they come from?" Beth asked.

"WHO ARE YOU?" The leader asked.

"Tell us who you are first, dummy." Gimli countered.

"I WOULD CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND BAKE IT IN MY BIRTHDAY CAKE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A SHORT DWARF. I MEAN, HOW MANY DWARVES ARE THE SIZE OF HALFLINGS?" Boomed the leader.

"Speaking of those halflings, have you seen two hobbits?" Legolas questioned.

"NO! WHAT ARE THESE OF 'HOBBITS' YOU SPEAK OF?" The leader asked.

"Small people- they would be only children in your eyes." Boromir explained. "By the way, who are you?"

"I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY CHILDREN. I AM ÈOMER." Èomer answered.

"But they're not children, they're hobbits." Aragorn added."

"THE ONLY THINGS I HAVE SEEN IN THE LAST WEEK ARE ORCS, WHICH ME AND MY INNER CIRCLE OF FOLLOWERS HAVE KILLED AND BURNED LAST NIGHT. GO TO THE PILLAR OF SMOKE." Èomer advised.

Then he and the other horse people disappeared, leaving behind three horses.

"We are not all going to fit on three horses." I predicted.

Beth and Aragorn got on one horse, Legolas and Gimli on another, and Dakota and I got on the third. Boromir didn't get a horse.

"I was right." I said, and a second later, our horse fell down, almost crushing us, and died.

"Three of us are going to have to run." I said.

"I can run." Legolas said. "I have limitless energy."

"Sometimes." I corrected.

"Who else is going to run?" I asked.

"Not it!" Beth said first, then Dakota, then me and Gimli, and finally Aragorn and Boromir.

"Looks like you have to run." Beth said.

"Damn it." Muttered Aragorn.

"The smoke isn't that far." Dakota pointed out.

"We can always walk." Beth pointed out.

"Beth, you're a genius!" Dakota yelled.

So we walked to the smoke pillar, and there we saw the dead bodies of orcs burning, and some Orc heads on sticks. Somehow, the riders had managed to shrink their heads in less than a day.

Aragorn kicked a helmet and screamed. "I STUBBED MY TOE!"

"The hobbits were here." Legolas said.

"NO!" I said sarcastically. "These orcs weren't the same ones we've been tracking for almost three days now."

"I'm going to see how hot the fire is," Boromir said, and walked straight into the flames.

Nobody seemed concerned.

"Hey! I found rope!" Aragorn yelled. "I think one of the orcs was tied up."

"Idiot!" Boromir yelled, who was still standing on the charred Orc bodies. "Orcs eat their kind when they do something wrong."

"They crawled into the forest." Legolas said, looking at the forest in front of us.

"They went into the Fangorn forest? What madness drove them in there?" Gimli wondered.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was the dangerous battle of orcs and the riders, and the fact that the orcs would willingly kill them." I said.

"Let's go inside the forest!" Legolas said.

So we went into the forest, and about five minutes later, Gimli was holding his axe nervously.

"Put down the axe. You're scaring the trees." Beth said.

"But I'm not planning to cut one down!" Gimli protested. "This is a nervous habit."

A spider fell on Legolas's head, and he screamed so loud the spider either passed out or died.

"Ow. You've made me go deaf." I complained.

Another ten minutes later, we heard a faint "help!"

"Where's Boromir?" Bath asked.

"Okay. Who's going back?" Dakota asked.

"Not it!" Dakota, Beth, and I all said at the same time, then Gimli, and Aragorn. Finally, Legolas said "not it."

"You're it." Aragorn said. "We'll wait for you."

So Legolas went off to find Boromir, and the rest of us sat down and waited.

Twenty minutes later, Legolas and Boromir came back.

Ten minutes later, we found a random rock and climbed on top of it. On the rock, there was a figure in a hat and white robes that was shining.

"Saruman!" Gimli growled.

"I thought Saruman was hooded, not hatted." Beth pointed out.

"No, it has to be Saruman. There is absolutely no way in middle earth that any other wizard is standing here in front of us." Aragorn replied.

"If that's Saruman, he looks like Gandalf." Dakota noticed.

"No, that has to be Saruman." Legolas argued. "Gandalf died, and Radagast was last seen twenty miles away from here, three weeks ago."

"Then it could also be Radaghast!" Beth pointed out.

"No. This Has to be Saruman." Boromir stated.

The guys got out their weapons, and Aragorn dropped his sword like it burned him. Legolas fired and arrow, which burst into flames. Boromir's horn disintegrated, and Gimli's axe melted.

"That's Gandalf! The pyromaniac!" I yelled.

"No it ISN'T!" Yelled someone (Legolas) and was suddenly proved wrong when the weirdo stopped shining and we saw that it was Gandalf.

"Guys, we need to get out of here." Gandalf said. "I'll call super horse, Shadowfax, and we'll go to Edoras."

"We're supposed to be tracking hobbits." Dakota said.

"But it's boring." Boromir said quickly.

"Well, the hobbits are safe, so you guys can go to helm's deep and maybe die." Gandalf said.

"OKAY! Let's go." Aragorn said.

So we all left the forest, and Gandalf whistled. A couple of minutes later, a horse came running. "This is Shadowfax." Gandalf said.

"He's a little.. Ugly." I said. Then Shadowfax bit me.


	6. Edoras, Helm's Deep

Shadowfax and out horses brought us to Edoras. It was a small town with barely anybody in it.

"This is what Theóden is king of?" Legolas asked, shocked.

"No, he's king of all of Rohan." Gandalf corrected.

"That's NOTHING compared to Gondor." Boromir boasted.

"Which I shall soon be king of." Aragorn reminded us all.

"I thought you didn't want to be king." Beth frowned.

"Oh, come on! Of course I want to be king. I just don't want to become Isildur 2." Aragorn responded.

"Anyway," Boromir huffed. "Take us to the king."

Gandalf walked up a hill in the middle of the town, to a big house. Outside the house, someone who looked just like Èomer (except for the red hair) said, "Gandalf Stormcrow! You won't get much of a welcome here. Wormtounge has forbidden you to enter this hall." The guy said.

"We still need to go inside. If you do not let us, we will just down the doors and give you a wedgie." Gandalf threatened.

"Alright... Just give me your weapons." He said.

"If you break my bow, I will disembowel you." Legolas threatened.

"Alright." He muttered.

"Who are you?" Aragorn asked.

"Hamà." He answered.

"Well, Hamà, if you do so much as let my sword touch the ground, I will break your face." Aragorn said.

"If my axe is touched by anyone else, it will be imbedded in your skull." Gimli threatened.

"Just don't lose my weapons." Boromir sighed. "I'm friends with the elves, and they could help me hunt you down and kill you."

Hamà looked overwhelmed by all of the threats.

"Please don't break my weapons." Beth said, and Hamà looked relieved.

Beth handed Hamà her weapons. "Don't ruin these."

I just shrugged. "I don't have any weapons."

"Give me your staff." Hamà ordered.

"But I'm just a measly old man, and you already know I'm not a wizard." Gandalf protested.

"Fine, go inside." Hamà sighed.

He opened the doors and we walked inside.

There was a big, low room. There was a rug in the middle, placed as though it was supposed to make up for a lack of a hallway. There were pillars on either side of the rug. There were ten total, I think. The walls were gray and white, along with the pillars. The floor was stone. At the other end of the room, an old, cream colored old man was slumped on a throne. Beside him was another cream colored man who had black hair and white eyes. They weren't creepy at all.

"Gandalf Stormcrow has arrived." The younger but far more creepy one said.

"You... You are noooot weelcooomme heeerree, Gandaaalf Stooormcrrrooow." The old guy said.

"I am here to free you from this wormtounge." Gandalf explained. And that was when wormtounge saw the staff.

"I TOLD HAMÀ TO TAKE THE STAFF!" He screamed.

"Grima, shut the hell up." Gandalf said. "The point is for you to NOT talk."

"Leeeaaavvveee nnnooowwww." The king said.

"Theóden, you are cursed by Saruman. We can uncurse you." Boromir explained.

"Yeaah, I like this curse. I don't even have to think."

Gandalf lifted his staff, and suddenly a different voice yelled, "If I go, he dies!"

"You a lie!" Gandalf shouted, and sent out a blue fireball at Theóden."

"No!" Grima yelled.

Then a woman with long blonde hair came running in, and suddenly I wanted to dye her hair purple.

"No!" She yelled, and ran over to Theóden, and then was dragged back by Aragorn.

"Wait." He told her. Legolas looked jealous.

Gandalf beat the crap out of Theóden until Saruman was gone. The woman ran up to Theóden and hugged him.

"Èowyn! I know you." He muttered. Èowyn was crying.

"Where is Èomer?" Theóden boomed.

"He is in prison. Grima out him there." Said a still tearful Èowyn.

Grima bolted.

We followed Grima out of the house and onto the stairs leading to the house. Hamà was nowhere to be seen (and neither were the weapons) and Grima was lying on his back.

"You are not a man of Rohan!" Theóden yelled.

"Aaaaahhhhh!" Grima shrieked, and ran away.

"Let him go." Gandalf said. "We will meet him again."

"Alright." Theóden agreed.

"We need to move." Aragorn said.

"Yeah... Our towns have been raided. We will go to Helm's Deep." Theóden decided.

"But-" Aragorn said.

"No buts! Helm's Deep it is." Theóden said. "Now, let's go free Èomer."

Freeing Èomer was probably the weirdest thing I had ever done.

We followed Theóden to the prison, which was in someone's basement.

We walked up to a yellow house, and Theóden knocked on the door. "I am here to free Èomer." He said.

"Okay. I'm sure that we have Èomer." The woman who answered the door said. She went to a corner in her room and pulled up a trapdoor. "Down here." She said.

We went into the musty room. There was a row of cells, and only about a fourth of them had people.

There was a cell that had an Èomer- like person in it, but Theóden warned us that it wasn't Èomer. He still thought it wasn't Èomer after he started yelling, "UNCLE! IT IS ME!"

"I think that's Èomer." Dakota said.

"Nonsense. All of these people are common criminals." Theóden answered. Dakota wasn't convinced.

Eventually we reached the past cell. In it was a bald guy who was building a fort out of sheets.

"Do you know where Èomer is?" Theóden asked.

The bald guy grinned. "He's gone. Like, long gone. Across the street."

We went out of the prison, and that was when Legolas saw the map of Edoras.

"Why does Edoras look like a butt?" He asked.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Theóden growled. "Everybody asks that!"

I looked at the map. "Who made this map?"

"I did." Theóden answered.

"Why did you map the grass?" I asked.

"You made it look like a hairy butt." Legolas complained. "It even has a mole."

"No, that would be the lake." Theóden explained.

"Legolas, I'll give you a branch from the tree of Gondor if you touch the butt map." Boromir said.

"Hey! That's MY tree!" Complained Aragorn, but then he said, "But I'm with Boromir."

Legolas was staring, transfixed, at the butt map. "I'm gonna touch the butt." He said, and touched the map. It crumbled.

"You killed my amazing map!" Yelled Theóden. "Die!"

"Um, I'm an elf. I can't die." Legolas said.

"Let's go." Beth said.

"I forgot to tell you." Boromir said as we left the house. "The tree is dead. It'll start living again when- ARK!"

Legolas had punched Boromir in the throat. "Tree killer!"

"Tree hugger!" Responded Boromir.

"Stop! We need to free Èomer!" Theóden commanded. Then Èowyn came running.

"Have you gotten Èomer yet?" She asked.

"Not really." Theóden said.

"Why are you going to the pink house?" Èowyn asked.

"Èomer wasn't in the yellow one." Theóden explained.

"Yes he was. I've been talking to him every day."

"I told you so." Dakota muttered. The only one who didn't hear her was Theóden.

We went back to Èomer's cell, and he was mad at Theóden. "HOW COULD YOU NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN NEPHEW?" He yelled.

"It doesn't matter, just get out of there." Theóden said.

Suddenly a Nazgul wearing all pink skipped by, tossing flowers around. And suddenly it was gone.

"What the hell?" Gimli asked.

I burst out laughing. "That was hilarious." I was wiping tears from my eyes. Everyone else had an expression on their face that was something like: what was so funny?

"Did I really just see that?" Aragorn asked. "I shall never be terrified again."

Just then a spider landed on Aragorn's head, and Legolas screamed incessantly. Aragorn punched his head, and Legolas was out.

"LET'S JUST LEAVE." Èomer suggested.

"Best advice I've heard all day." Beth muttered.

We packed up our stuff, and the villagers' stuff, and then we got a bunch of horses.

"I do not want to ride a horse." I said.

"Why?" Dakota asked.

"It's disrespectful to the horse." I explained.

"Ra, if you were a full cat that size, you would already be eating the horse. Just ride it."

"No."

"Would you rather walk?"

"You win. Sorry, horse." I said.

We went back to the house to see if the others were ready, and I saw Èowyn hand Aragorn a cup. I pointed to Aragorn and said "let's see what happens here."

Dakota agreed to watch.

Èowyn started shaking as Aragorn drank from the cup, and Aragorn suddenly had a Damn it! She likes me! Face. Èowyn seemed oblivious to the face.

Beth came over to us. "I approve of Èowyn. I'll let her marry my brother. But Arwen? She's just a huge spoiled brat."

"She is." I agreed.

"Are we ready to go?" Gimli asked.

"Yes!" We called.

"Yeah!" Boromir, Aragorn, and Èomer called.

"Absolutely!" Yelled Èowyn and Theóden.

"No!" Legolas yelled.

"WHY?" We all yelled.

"I still have to pack my makeup... Oh, and my brush is gone. So is my lotion... And I'm all out of perfume!"

"Legolas, you sound like a really messed up girl! Are you gay of something?" I yelled.

"Where is that lipstick?" Legolas muttered, shuffling through all of his stuff.

Èowyn came over. "I put it on the roof." She whispered. "He was trying to cut off my hair."

"Yep. You've passed every test." Beth said.

"What?" Èowyn asked.

"She means you're completely awesome!" I explained.

"Let's go!" Gimli yelled.

"But my lipsti-"

Within seconds, Gimli had hogtied Legolas, who was screaming about his makeup.

When we were miles away from Edoras, Gimli finally untied Legolas and put Legolas in the middle of the group, where he couldn't escape. Then Gimli talked to Èowyn about dwarves.

We had sent out scouts, and one came back, shouting "WARGS! WARGS AND ORCS!"

Then he was shot by an arrow and died.

Èowyn pulled out a sword and went to go help, but her uncle said," No, go help lead the others to safety."

Dakota pulled out her weapons, and Beth pulled out here and I yelled, "HOW IS IT THAT I HAVE BEEN IN SO MANY BATTLES WITHOUT A WEAPON AND I STILL DON'T HAVE ONE?"

"Nobody thinks about you." Legolas answered. I gave him a black eye.

"My face!" He cried. My beautiful face!" He looked around, and the wargs and orcs all turned to stone. Aragorn backed away, off of the cliff behind him.

"Aragorn!" Gimli yelled.

"We must leave him behind." Theóden said. "We have to get everyone into the keep!"

So we trudged on, with Beth and Èowyn crying, while the rest of us couldn't cry.

By nightfall we had reached the keep. It was massive, and was pretty much a dam without a river behind it. We got there, and Èowyn was immediately told to get the women and children to safety. She did it with a lot of grumbling.

The rest of us were ignored. Nobody knew what to do with the ranger, the half elf with wings, and the weird furry cat thing, who were all girls and children, but had traveled with the fellowship.

"We should get armor." Dakota suddenly said.

"Okay. Let's go." I said, jumping up.

"You guys go." Beth mumbled. "I'll stay here."

"No, you'll come." Dakota said.

Then someone yelled from the level beneath ours.

"Let's go see what that was." I said.

"No. I'm not interested." Beth said.

"COME ON!" Dakota yelled. We dragged Beth down the stairs to see what was going on. Beth wouldn't look up from the ground.

"There are thousands of armies..." Someone was saying.

"That sounds like Aragorn." Dakota said.

"Everything sounds like Aragorn." Retorted Beth.

I looked around the corner. "Beth you really have to see this."

"Why?" She asked.

"Aragorn's here." I said.

"Stop trying to play tricks on me!" Beth growled.

"Look up!" Dakota growled back.

"No!" Beth answered.

I tilted her head back, and she FINALLY saw Aragorn.

"You're alive!" She yelled, and hugged him.

"Get ready to fight or hide." Aragorn said. "We're going to be attacked by thousands of orcs."

"Already?" Dakota asked.

Then Legolas came in.

"You're alive? I was getting all the attention for once!" He complained.

Gimli arrived five minutes later and farted. Legolas passed out and finally stopped complaining.

Then Boromir came. "I have an amazing plan to kill all of the orcs without anyone dying." He announced.

"What is it?" Aragorn asked.

"We find explosives and set up land mines. The orcs won't stand a chance."

"You know what would work better than that?" I asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Legolas's black eye turned orcs and wargs to stone. What if we gave him two black eyes and made him sing for the army coming?"

"His singing is like torture. I got a nosebleed from it one time." Gimli said.

Then there was the sound of a horn, and a bunch of orcs were suddenly outside the keep, just standing there.

Luckily, Legolas took that time to wake up.

"What happened?" He asked.

"We're being attacked by orcs-" Aragorn began.

"I STILL NEED A WEAPON!" I yelled.

"Why?" Boromir asked. "We already have a pretty much foolproof plan."

"Legolas won't agree to do it though."

"Agree to do what?" Legolas asked.

"Sing for the orcs with another black eye." Gimli said.

"No! I won't do it! Never! You can't make me!" Legolas screeched.

"Oh, well." Dakota said. And then Aragorn punched him in the eye.

"My face! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! I WILL KILL YOU ARAGORN! I WILL RIP OPEN YOUR STOMACH AND FEED IT TO THE CROWS AND I WILL GIVE YOUR EYES TO THE ORCS AND THEN I WILL GIVE YOUR LEFT LEG TO ARWEN AND YOUR RIGHT LEG TO ELROND AND I WILL CUT OPEN YOUR STOMACH AND I WILL-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP LEGOLAS!" Gimli yelled. "You elves aren't as quiet as you pretend to be."

"I still refuse to show my ugliness." Legolas said.

"If you do it I'll tell you where your lipstick is." Beth offered.

"Where?" Legolas asked.

"Sing for the army first." Dakota said.

"Fine." Legolas went up to the top of Helm's Deep, and began to sing. He was off key, and he couldn't pronounce the words right.

"Iiiiiiii weeennnnt tooooo aaaa coouuunnnccciiiilll iin Rrriiivveendelll, RRRIIIVVEENDELLL AAANNDDD MEEET SSSOOOMEEE GGGUUUYYYSSS.

Wwweeee WAWAAANNNTTTEDDD tooo Deeeessstttrrroooyooy aaaa RRIIINNNGGG!

Weeee ffrrooozzeeee oonnn CAAAADDAAAHRRRAAAS, CCCAAADDDAAHHRRAAASS!

We're gggoot llloooossst iiinnn Mmmoooria, MMMOOORIA AND GGGAAANNNDDAALLF DDIIIIEEEEDDS."

By then the orcs were dead. All of them were stone. But Legolas continued.

"WEEE WEEENNNTT TOOO LORIEN, LORIEN, AND MET GALADRIEL.

WE SAW THE ARGONATH, ARGONATH, yes we did.

And now we're here, alive, HERE ALIVE, as you can see.

"And the ring, the RING IS GOING TO MOR-"

Dakota covered his mouth. "Don't saw where the ring is going! Saroun has many spies."

"MANY SPIES HAVE MANY EYES!" Èomer boomed.

"Well, where do we go now?" I asked.

"Back to Edoras." Someone said hopefully.

"WE ARE MEETING THE HOBBITS IN ISENGARD!" Èomer yelled.

"Let's go, then!" Aragorn decided. Theóden randomly appeared.

"Last I checked, it was me, and not you, who was leader of Rohan. No, first, we must all get drunk to celebrate those who died!"

"Who died, other than the orcs?" Aragorn asked.

"Every small creature and human who used to think so highly of elves that they would die to protect them." Theóden explained. "So, in other words, nobody, but I need to get drunk. I haven't been drunk in a while.


	7. Going to Isengard

We went back to Edoras, and there, inside of the weird house- castle, we celebrated our victory. Èowyn was talking to Aragorn, and Gimli was talking Legolas into having a drinking game with him. I decided to watch.

"Just keep on drinking." Gimli said. "The one who passes out first looses."

"It's really a drinking game?" Legolas questioned.

"Ooh, a drinking game! Can I join?" Boromir asked.

"This drinking game is meant to represent which race is the best at drinking." Legolas explained importantly. "It has elves and dwarves already."

"But no men! Great, I can join!"

Èomer brought over three mugs of ale from one of the three barrels, and set them in front of Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir, looking concerned.

Before they started, he said "YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DO THIS, YOU WILL BE REALLY DEPRESSED IN ISENGARD TOMORROW."

"We are aware." Boromir replied.

And the three began to drink.

Hours later, Gimli was spouting nonsense, Legolas seemed unaffected, and Boromir was trying not to loose.

"Just one more mug." He said to Èomer, Who had stopped giving the alcohol out."

"YOU WILL SINCERELY REGRET THIS TOMORROW." Èomer warned.

"I know." Everyone said.

"FINE." Èomer put down three more drinks.

That was when Boromir passed out. He went to drink, and suddenly fell foreword, spilling the drink all over himself.

Five minutes later, Gimli was talking about how the dwarf women didn't actually have beards, but they were often mistaken for hobbits or midgets, so nobody really knew that they existed- and where did the whole 'dwarf women have beards' thing come from, anyway?

"I have a slight tingling in my fingers." Legolas said. "And the world is spinning. This stuff actually works!"

Then Gimli said, "See? He can't hold his alcohol, what'd I tell you?" And fell backwards with crossed eyes.

"Game over." Legolas said, but then something amazing happened.

Gimli sat up.

"GAME IS STILL ON!" Gimli roared.

"DAMN IT!" Legolas bellowed, and threw his mug in the air. It spilled the ale on his head, and knocked Legolas out.

"Did I seriously just win?" Gimli asked in amazement.

"I believe so." I said. "Congratulations."

Gimli looked at Legolas. "What if we gave Legolas a beard?" He asked.

"You might have to donate some of your own, but it would be worth it. We could get Gandalf to try and grow him one." I answered.

"Alright." Gimli agreed.

The next morning we got up and prepared to go to Isengard. "We really need to get going." Beth said as she glanced at a random sundial. "We won't make it in time if we wait any longer."

Gimli appeared, holding his axe and tripping over his feet. "I may be victorious." He muttered. "But it HURTS!"

"I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!" Èomer yelled, "BUT NOOO, YOU HAD TO KEEP ON DRINKING!"

"At least he got somewhere." Boromir grumbled. "I lost terribly."

"Not as terribly as Legolas." Dakota pointed out.

"There's loosing like Boromir- with minimum embarrassment- and then there's loosing like Legolas, who makes himself loose because he lost it." I pointed out. "At least you didn't look retarded in front of all of Edoras."

"Either way, I'm staying out of the next drinking game. This headache makes me wish I was dead!"

"WE ARE LEAVING NOW!" Èomer boomed, and so we got on our horses and were off.

It took us half of a day to get to Isengard, but two days to get back.

When we went into Isengard, the first thing I noticed was a banner hanging across the front door of Saruman's tower.

'NOW IN LEAUGE WITH THE DARK SIDE (of the force)' it said.

"I told Saruman to take that hideous thing down! It's terrible!" Gandalf muttered.

"Hold on!" Boromir said. "When Saruman trapped you- that sign was up?"

"Yes." Gandalf answered.

"I can't believe we let you lead us around Middle Earth!" Gimli growled.

"My head." Legolas moaned.

The next thing was the flood. The walls that had held back the water now trapped it inside Isengard.

"Well, this is ironic." Beth said.

"I can't think of anything more ironic than this!" Agreed Legolas, slurring the words. I tried to push him off his horse.

The third thing that I noticed was that the tower was really tall.

"Who thinks that Saroun's tower is that big?" Dakota asked.

"I believe Saroun's was bigger." Gandalf answered.

"I dunno, this is the biggest tower I've ever seen." Theóden argued.

"You don't count, old man. Your house's roof is so low, even Gimli's head can reach it." Legolas said. He was almost speared then and there.

Then-

"Welcome, dead friends, to Isengard.

"WAS I JUST CALLED DEAD?" Èomer asked.

"Can you keep it down?" Gimli questioned, wincing.

"No! Now, if you want ale, raise your hand!"

Merry and pippin were almost killed for saying that simple sentence.

"Okay, ale was a bad idea." Merry concluded. "How about wine?"

"NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR THESE CANNOT HANDLE IT." Èomer explained.

"Alright, then. Pipe weed? This stuff is Longbottom leaf, the best in the Shire." Pippin suggested.

"I don't have a pipe." Legolas said.

"Then you'll miss out!" Gimli laughed.

"Gimli, don't forget that I am also on this horse, and I can very easily push you off." Legolas threw out.

"You're evil." I said to Legolas.

"Whatever."

"Where is Saruman, for I much desire to speak with him." Gandalf asked.

"Treebeard is watching him." Pippin told us. "He's at the top of the tower."

"How ironic. He trapped me there, and now he's trapped there." Gandalf mused.

We somehow got past the flood to Saruman's doorstep.

"Now be careful." Gandalf warned us. "His favorite method is bribery, and he makes TERRIBLE candy."

"Who's there?" Saruman asked.

"It is I, Gandalf, and him, Theóden." Gandalf answered.

"Oh, Theóden, can we have peace? After all, I only invaded your body for a couple of years and sent a spy to watch over Rohan in you place, offering your niece as payment."

"I KNEW IT!" Èomer shrieked. "I KNEW GRIMA HAD A CRUSH ON MY SISTER!"

"We Will NEVER have peace. Even if you are torn apart by Grima himself- never again will we have peace."

"Oh, fine. No candy for you." Saruman said.

"Candy?"

"No!" Gandalf whacked Theóden on the head. "Come down, Saruman. You life will be spared. Believe me, if you do not come down RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND you will end up being shot by hobbits- and that's just pathetic."

"Gandalf!" Merry gasped.

"OH, THAT'LL REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO COME DOWN." Saruman yelled sarcastically. Suddenly, something was thrown out of a window, and it fell on Legolas's head. He was out.

"NOOO!" Gimli yelled. "Now how am I going to ride this thing?"

"We'll be leaving now." Gandalf warned.

"Fine!" Saruman yelled.

"I'm not kidding!" Gandalf yelled back.

"Go away."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"Last chance!"

"Leave me ALONE!"

So we left.

Two days later we were back at Edoras, and Gandalf was hiding that Palantir. Theóden threw another party. Legolas wanted a rematch.

"I DO NOT APPROVE OF THIS." Èomer said as we all sat down to watch.

"Too bad."

Three mugs were set down (one for me) and the drinking game began (I wasn't in it.).

I tried the ale and decided I didn't like it. It was way too bitter, so I put my full attention to the game.

Gimli was already on his tenth mug, while Legolas was on his third. An hour later, Gimli passed out. He was ahead by fifty mugs. Legolas had only had twenty.

"WE ARE OUT OF ALE SO GIMLI WINS." Èomer said.

"But... He passed out first!" Legolas protested.

"HE DRANK MORE THAN YOU AND NOW YOU CAN'T CATCH UP." Èomer explained.

"I HATE LIFE!" Legolas screamed, and everyone ran for their life.


	8. The Palantír Unleashed

That night we all had to sleep in the same room. Everyone from the second party. Èomer snored, Aragorn talked to and about Arwen in his sleep, Legolas stared at us all and was just being creepy. Theóden vanished to sleep on his throne, Gandalf was drooling on the Palantir, Èowyn got the only bed- like thing, Gimli twitched like he was possessed and muttered random battle cries.

Then you had Boromir, who slept walked, and Merry, who Boromir thought was his shield in his sleep. Merry woke up screaming more than once.

Pippin was arguing with Merry, and Boromir was creeping up on them.

"What are you arguing about?" I asked quietly.

"Pippin wants to take the Palantir." Merry explained. "He's too curious."

"I thought nobody was more curious than a Brandybuck." I said.

"Why do you think that?" Merry asked.

"Everyone talks in their sleep. A month ago, Aragorn was complaining to Arwen about you two in his sleep."

"I want revenge now." Pippin said.

"Merry, Boromir's right behind you." I said.

Merry scampered off, and Pippin lunged for the Palantir. As soon as he touched it, he started screaming.

Legolas pretended to be asleep, Gimli woke up, Gandalf started yelling, and Aragorn took the Palantir. Gandalf then took a random cloth and took it away.

"DAMN FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf yelled. "WHAT DID YOU REVEAL? WHAT DID YOU SEE?"

"I.. I saw a courtyard made of stone. There was a dead tree, that had a heart carved on it. It said 'Mirkwood elves are the best. Everything else, we hate the rest.' Then Saroun asked where the ring was. I said I didn't know, but somebody else might. We were planning on takin it to the grey havens."

"Really, Legolas? You vandalize Gondor's symbol with a HEART AND A BAD RHYME?"

"Ummm... I might, in the future." Legolas admitted.

"YOU SON OF A-" Boromir cried.

"NOT NOW!" Gandalf drowned out the rest of Boromir's sentence.

We walked out of the room, and I realized that it was still dark five minutes ago, and it had been the middle of the night.

"Why is it light out here?" Beth asked.

"Magic." Dakota said. "There's a floating lamp."

"How do you know all of this?" I asked.

"I'm a princess." Dakota pointed out.

"We will have to split up now!" Gandalf explained. "Now Saroun thinks that Pippin has the ring. Merry has to stay here, and Pippin has to come with me. Nobody else can come, because you slowpokes won't be able to keep up with Awesome Shadowfax."

"But where are you going?" Aragorn asked.

"Minas Tirith." Gandalf said. "Boromir, you cannot come. Remember, there is no way you or your horse can keep up with Shadowfax, who can run as fast as an eagle flies."

"I have to meet Faramir and Denethor, though." Boromir protested.

"No, you have to stay." Gandalf said. "We leave now!"

Gandalf picked Pippin up and brought him over to Shadowfax, and they rode off.

"I could have gone." Dakota realized. "I can fly."

"Not as fast as an eagle." Beth pointed out.

"But still pretty fast." Dakota said.

We waited for a week on a signal to go to Gondor.


	9. The Signal to go to Gondor

During the week we waited for the signal to go to Gondor, Gimli got Legolas drunk, a piano fell out of the sky, Legolas went crazy, saying that he had been haunted by a ghost, and Èowyn kept creeping Aragorn out.

On the day that the signal came, we were all sitting on the king's front porch. Beth and I were planning on cutting off Legolas's hair, and Dakota was distracting Legolas by talking about how awesome dwarves were.

Èowyn was trying to get Aragorn to eat her cream of onion soup. It was basically three chopped up onions in boiled water. Aragorn was doing his best to ignore her.

Èomer was trying to talk Gimli out of gambling with Merry, and Theóden was watching it all, completely expressionless.

"It's a shame that elves don't sleep." I said. That would be the perfect time to shave his head."

"Get Gimli to get Legolas drunk again. He always knocks himself out." Beth suggested.

"Everyone, I have a very important announcement. I have to use the bathroom." Theóden said.

"So use the outhouse!" Someone yelled. Theóden glared at us. Then he walked off.

"Just TRY it." Èowyn said to Aragorn.

"Yes!" He yelled.

"You'll try it?" She sounded so happy, but just took a bite and spit it out.

"This is Disgusting!" He said, but Èowyn was gone.

"DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON SUCH A VILE SPORT." Èomer said.

"But I want to do SOMETHING!" Gimli said.

"Gimli, if you want to do something, help us." I called.

"Do what?" He asked.

"I think I found a piece of gold." Beth answered.

He came over. "Where?" He asked.

"We need you to get Legolas drunk."

"Why?" Gimli asked.

"We're going to cut off his hair and stick it on his face somehow." Beth explained.

"This is amazing." Gimli said.

"What is?" Legolas asked. Dakota was nowhere to be found.

"The gold these two found." Gimli said.

"I found it." Beth said.

"Let me see it." Legolas said.

Gimli showed Legolas a piece of gold. "I wasn't lying."

Legolas huffed and sat next to Aragorn.

Then Boromir ran up to us. "I saw the signal! We must go now!"

"Get Theóden!" We yelled. Boromir ran over to the outhouse and kicked the door down. We all looked away.

"What the hell are you doing, Boromir?" Theóden yelled.

"Gondor asks for help!" Boromir cried. "We must help!"

"Fine! We'll help. Now fix the door and leave me alone."

Boromir put the door back up. "Why are you all facing away?" He asked.

"None of us want to see Theóden using the outhouse." Merry explained.

"Oh." Boromir said. "Let's go now."

So we all packed up and got ready to go.

Theóden gathered troops, and I helped find enough horses for everyone. Èowyn was told to stay behind, so I gave her armor. Then I finally found a weapon- a kitchen knife. For some reason, everyone refused to give me a weapon to use. They also wouldn't give one to Beth and Dakota, but they already had their own.

"We ride now!" Theóden yelled, and we all rode off.

That night we stopped, and took a long break.

"Guess what?" Merry asked me. "I get to fight with you guys!"

"That's great." I said.

We set up camp, and the next morning we rode on.

A week later we were all depressed. We had started thinking clearly, and we realized that the army that we brought would be too small to battle all of the horrid things that Saroun would sent from Mordor. Then Theóden talked to us. "You four cannot fight." He said to Merry, Beth, Dakota, and me. "A battle like the one we are going into is for experienced people."

"We ARE experienced." Merry said. "You promised I could fight."

"And now I say you can't." Theóden said.

"What about us? Why can't we fight? We're all capable of killing orcs in a battle." Dakota yelled.

"You might not be." Theóden said.

"Then we're going to die killing orcs and helping Frodo, instead of hiding back in Edoras." I said.

"No. You will go to Edoras." Theóden said.

"You can't make us without sending more of your people away." Beth said.

"Enough! You will all leave." Theóden yelled, and walked off.

"The animals are acting strange." Aragorn said, coming over.

"We're by the Paths of the Dead-" Dakota began, but suddenly stopped.

"What?" Aragorn asked.

"You have Andruil?" She asked. "The same sword as Isildur?"

"Yes." He said.

"This is perfect!" Dakota yelled. "You can get more people to help by going through the Paths, and we will still get to fight, because Theóden won't wait for you to come back!"

"Well, if you go, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and Merry are going to want to come."

"Then they can come." I said.

"I don't want to go." Merry said. "I'll go find Dernhelm and see if he can give me a ride."

"Okay then. I'll go talk to Theóden."

Aragorn went off to find the king of Rohan, and we packed up some stuff.

"If we survive The Paths of the Dead, then we'll be the first to do it." Dakota told me.

"I know."

Then Gimli came over. "You suggested we find an army in a GRAVEYARD?"

"We survived Moria. This will be no problem." Dakota said.

"These ghosts can kill us!" Gimli growled.

"You faced a BALROG, but you are afraid of ghosts?" I asked.

"The balrog was different. We didn't know it was coming." Beth pointed out.

"I'd be more scared of the Balrog." I said. "We're still going through."

Gimli growled and marched off.

Aragorn came back. "We can go. We just have to ask Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli if they'll go."

I tracked down Legolas, while Beth got Gimli and Dakota found Boromir.

"We're going through the paths of the dead." I said.

"I'm not coming." Legolas said.

"If you don't come, I will give you another black eye and cut off your hair."

"Fine. I'll come." Legolas said. We met the others. Boromir agreed to come, because he could agree that Aragorn was the heir of Isildur (however much he wished it was him) and Gimli came because he refused to abandon us.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Theóden asked us.

"Yes." Aragorn said. "We'll meet you at the battle."

We went to a tunnel, which was a small hike up a mountain. Dakota located the door, and Aragorn opened it.


	10. The Paths of the Dead

Aragorn was the first one to go inside the tunnel. Then Legolas pranced inside. Boromir hesitated, but still went ahead. Then Beth, Dakota, and I walked through, and Gimli came last.

"Aren't you excited to be back underground?" Beth asked.

"I would be- but remember how last time we went underground, we almost died, and I found out that my family there died? Well, now I know there are dead people here, who WANT to kill us." Gimli pointed out.

"Is Gimli actually afraid of something?" Legolas asked.

"No. Gimli's pretending, so that you'll become even more retarded." I said.

"Gimli, you're evil!" Legolas hissed.

There was an eerie greenish glow coming from the top of the tunnel, and it illuminated the mist and what the mist was doing. The mist had formed hand shapes, and was trying to grab us.

Aragorn wasn't afraid, I don't think Boromir noticed, Legolas looked like he enjoyed the mist, Beth ignored it, Dakota fluttered her wings, my fur puffed out, and Gimli tried to blow the mist away.

Then we came across the dead bodies. There were bones. There were skulls. There were elephant eyes. There was a giant spider.

When Legolas saw the spider he screamed, pushed Aragorn aside, and ran ahead.

"Really?" Aragorn muttered. "A damn SPIDER?"

"Don't worry." Gimli said. "I'll never let Legolas hear the end of this."

"You're a good friend." Aragorn answered.

"The tunnel's going to open up." Boromir announced.

"How do you know?" Aragorn asked.

"Remember what Gandalf said? When in doubt, use your nose."

We suddenly walked out into a cavern, where we saw Legolas hugging his knees and whimpering.

"What the hell, Legolas?" Aragorn asked. "Keep it together. You wanted to come."

"No, I didn't. But Ra said that if I didn't come, she would give me another black eye... And cut off my hair... And stick it to my face." Legolas explained.

Gimli started laughing. "I got threatened too. I'm not crying like a baby."

Then a green ghost that was rotting appeared. "I don't like you. DIE, STRANGERS, DIE!"

"Wait!" Aragorn yelled. "I AM ISILDUR'S HEIR, AND I HAVE THE SWORD OF ISILD-" he broke off into a coughing fit.

"He's the rightful king of Gondor!" Boromir added.

"I can let you rest in peace." Aragorn said.

"You CAN? Oh, well, that makes it all better. Let's see if you pass the test." Skulls started to flood the cavern, so we ran away from them. They were talking, too, and a couple were singing.

One fell on Gimli's head, and he tripped. Another fell on Legolas's head, and he acted like he died.

When we made it outside, we saw a fleet of ships sailing Dow towards the Gondor area. Aragorn, ever the drama queen, fell to his knees and yelled at the sky, "WHY MUST YOU MAKE MY LIFE SO DAMN DIFFICULT?"

Then the rotting ghost appeared. "We will fulfill our promise. Then we will rest in peace." Suddenly the mountainside was green with ghosts, and the marched out to the boats, and killed everybody on board.

"This is terrible." I said as we raced to the boats. "Killing everyone- some of these people don't even have a choice. They're forced to fight."

Nobody answered me.

We hijacked the boats, and somehow, being one one boat, we managed to steer all of them. The ghosts could only kill and nothing else, so they weren't steering, and we had killed the whole fleet.

We sailed the boat down to the battle. It took about two days (and we were still beat by Theóden).

On the way, Gimli managed to get Legolas drunk AGAIN, and Boromir had a breakdown. Beth, Dakota and I practiced fighting, and Aragorn took over as captain, even though he couldn't sail the ship. It was a boring two days, but when we reached the battle, I wished they had pasted longer.


	11. Surprising Sauron in Several Situations

When we got to the site of the battle, the Mordorians were already winning. We had come just in time to keep our side from losing.

There were seven huge oliphants, wearing armor and baskets on their backs. No doubt there were people in those baskets.

I grabbed my kitchen knife and waited for the ship to dock. One of the ugliest orcs I had ever seen was waiting for us.

"Late as always." It growled. "If you're late again, you'll be de-"

Legolas shot it.

The orcs saw that there were about seven of us and started laughing their heads off. It obviously hadn't occurred to them that we had just wiped out a whole fleet of ships and survived.

Aragorn raised his sword dramatically, and the ghost king appeared, along with his army, and they killed any Orc in their path up to Minas Tirith.

Legolas went off to fight an oliphant, and Gimli made a path of dead Orc bodies. Aragorn made his way to the city, and the rest of us stayed on the boat.

"Go on." Boromir said.

"There are so many orcs." Dakota muttered.

"We've killed orcs before." I told myself.

"Get off the boat." Boromir said again.

"Where can we help?" Bath asked.

"Leave the boat. NOW!" Boromir yelled.

"Give us a minute." I snapped.

Suddenly there was a shriek, and we decided it was stupid to stay on the deck. So we went in a cabin to hide from the Nazgul and whatever it was riding.

"Now we're trapped here!" Boromir complained. "All because you three refused to leave the boat."

"You could have left." Dakota pointed out.

"I have to find Faramir and Denethor." Boromir continued.

"Then go find them." Beth said, but when Boromir opened the door, a Nazgul stood right outside, facing away from us. Boromir quietly closed the door, and we waited for it to leave.

Then the smartest person on the ship, Beth, pointed out that there was a window RIGHT NEXT TO US and it was a great escape. Boromir busted the window open, and we jumped into the water. Except for Dakota. She glided onto the ground.

We entered the battle soaking wet and terrified because of the Nazgul. There was a strange pig mordorian attacking someone, and the person won the fight. Then another Nazgul landed in front to them. I spotted Merry.

"Don't get between a Nazgul and his prey." The Nazgul hissed.

"The Nazgul don't have a gender!" The person said, and sliced off the Nazgul's ride's head. Then it became clear that Èowyn was the soldier.

"Idiot!" The Nazgul said, and out of nowhere had a weapon. It was a spiky metal ball attached to a rod by chains. The Nazgul tried to hit Èowyn with it, but she avoided it until the fifth time.

Merry then stabbed the Nazgul where his ankle would be, and Èowyn stood up.

"No man can kill me!" It said.

"IN YOUR FACE!" Èowyn screamed, and stabbed the Nazgul where his face would be. She and merry almost immediately collapsed.

Then the pink Orc woke back up.

"IT HAS A PIG FACE!" I yelled, and the Orc got stabbed in the back.

Then the ghosts came and started killing enemies in my area. Within minutes, we had won the battle.

Minas Tirith was a mess. The walls around it had been torn up, and the gates had been torn apart. Some of it was burning, and some of it was just gravel. Chunks of stone had been tossed into the city, and almost everyone was dead.

The ghost army was standing in front of Aragorn. "Let us go." The ghost king said.

"Maybe..." Aragorn answered.

"You PROMISED!" The ghost king sounded remarkably like Gollum.

"Fine. You are free to rest, ghost army!" Aragorn said dramatically.

The ghost army disappeared, and I yelled, "HEY! ARAGORN! ÈOWYN AND MERRY ARE STILL ALIVE!"

Aragorn came over and picked up Èowyn, and I picked up merry. Then I noticed Theóden's dead body.

"How did he die?" I asked. Nobody answered.

We went up to Minas Tirith, and into the house of healing. Boromir was there, sitting next to a stranger who looked just like him. I set merry down, and Aragorn set Èowyn down.

Boromir stood up. He was crying. "You have to save Faramir!" He said.

"I will do my best." Aragorn answered.

"If you cannot heal Faramir, then you cannot rule." Boromir said. "If you want to be king, then you have to heal him."

"I will. Do you know a plant called-"

Èomer busted into the room. "ÈOWYN!" He yelled.

Merry, pippin, and Èowyn all looked like they were dead, and that was obviously want Èomer thought.

"Èomer, calm down." Aragorn said. Èomer had been preparing to hang himself. "Èowyn is not dead."

"She isn't?" Èomer asked.

"No. She still has a chance. Now I need you to leave-"

Pippin ran in. "Merry!" He called. "Merry, you can't be dead!"

"EVERYBODY, LEAVE UNLESS YOU WORK HERE!" Aragorn bellowed. We left as fast as we could.

"Do you know where Dakota and Beth are?" I asked Boromir. He shook his head, so I asked Pippin. He also didn't know. I started to get worried, and I went back onto the battlefield.

"Dakota!" I called. "Beth!"

No answer.

"Hello? If you're alive, answer!"

No answer.

"DAKOTA! BETH!"

"Help..." Someone yelled. I ran over to them.

It was a ten- year old boy. He had a spear stuck in his arm that was pinning him to the ground.

"How did this happen?" I asked.

"There was a pink Orc- I got distracted by one of the shrieks from the flying monsters- he knocked me over and got me stuck here."

"Didn't he try to kill you?" I asked, trying to get the spear out of the ground.

"Ouch- I think he thought I was already dead- owwww."

I finally got the spear out of the ground. "Are you from Rohan or Minas Tirith?"

"Rohan." He answered.

"Theóden died." I told him.

"He's... Dead?"

"Yes. Èomer is still alive, and Èowyn saved Theóden from being eaten... But Theóden is dead. Come on, can you walk?"

The little boy stood up. "I can walk." He said. "Do you know anyone named Dògen?"

"No." I answered.

We walked back to Minas Tirith, and I brought the little boy to the house of healing. Aragorn was busy finding some weird plant that ironically everyone thought was a weed, but actually was one of the best plants in the world.

I ran into Gandalf. "Denethor has died." He said.

"Boromir's dad?" I asked.

"Yes. Don't tell him. We are going to figure out what to do in the castle up there." Gandalf pointed to the seventh level of Minas Tirith.

"I'll go there now." I said.

I headed up through the broken gates, and eventually made it up to the castle, thinking that Beth and Dakota were dead. They weren't.

"You're alive!" Dakota yelled.

"I thought you two had died!" I exclaimed.

"We Almost did. Beth broke her arm, and now she won't be able to fight. My wings tore a little, but I'm still mostly okay."

"Let me see your wings."

The tear was not little. There was a triangle the size if my fist cut out of her wings.

"How did this happen?" I asked.

"Legolas took down an oliphant, and the leader on it died, and his sword just happened to cut through my wings. It cut a V shape. Then Legolas wouldn't leave it alone. Eventually he tore off the rest if the triangle."

"That Moron." I said.

Then Legolas came into the room.

"Boromir's dad died, Boromir's dad died!" He sang.

"Legolas, shut up." Beth said.

Legolas shut up, and suddenly Boromir walked in. "Do you guys know where Denethor is?" He asked. Everybody shook their heads, and I stared at the ground.

"Dakota?" Boromir asked.

"I don't know." She squeaked.

"Beth?"

Beth shrugged.

"Legolas?" Boromir started to sound angry.

"I have no idea." He said.

"Ra?" He pulled his sword out. "Where is Denethor?"

"Why didn't you threaten them with death?" I squeaked.

"You clearly know where he is."

"GANDALF!" I yelled, running away.

"WHERE IS HE?" Boromir screamed, chasing me.

Gandalf was nowhere to be found, so I ran I to the house of healing. "ARAGORN, HELP ME! BOROMIR IS GOING TO KILL ME!" I yelled, running inside.

"Boromir, if you the cause of distraction for me ever again, I will kill you." Aragorn threatened. "Both of you, get the hell out of here NOW!"

I ran off, back up to the castle. Gandalf and Gimli had joined the others, and since Gimli had his axe with him, I stood next to him.

"Where is Denethor?" Boromir asked.

"Ra, what did you do?" Gandalf asked sharply.

"Why is it always MY fault?" I wailed.

"Where is he?" Boromir asked again.

"Boromir, Denethor has died.

"YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?" He screamed.

"BOROMIR, CALM THE HELL DOWN!" Gandalf ordered. "This is why we didn't tell you. Your brother is still alive, and be thankful for that."

"How did my father die? Boromir asked.

Gandalf looked upset. "Faramir came back from a battle poisoned. Denethor went insane and thought Faramir was dead, and tried to burn them both. Pippin and I helped save Faramir, but when Denethor realized that Faramir actually was alive, he caught on fire, went crazy again, and ran off of the ledge over there." Gandalf pointed out of a window.

"This is... This can't be true. Denethor would never do that."

"He did. And now he's dead."

Boromir began to cry again.

Three days later, Èowyn, Faramir, and Merry were awake, and Merry was the first to fully recover. Once again, everyone marveled at how hobbits were so resistant to dark things.

We gathered in Denethor's old hall. Boromir was sitting on the throne that wasn't his, Legolas was trying to walk inside a pillar, Aragorn and Gandalf were standing in front of a window, Gimli was smoking, Beth was sitting on the floor, Dakota was trying to fly to the top of the room, and I was throwing rocks I had collected at the window.

"We have to help Frodo in some way- can you stop throwing the rocks, pleases?" Gandalf asked.

"Nope." I muttered.

"How about we- YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK THE WINDOW!" Aragorn said.

"It won't matter. Your entire kingdom is screwed up." I said.

"No it isn't."

"Minas Morgul was taken over by the Nazgul. Osgiliath was abandoned because it was overrun by Mordorians. This city had been completely destroyed. A broken window won't matter."

"It will matter!" Aragorn yelled. "It's more money, more time, more work! Just stop throwing stones at it!"

I threw another rock. It bounced the window with a dull thunk. Aragorn sighed and said,"We need some way to get the armies out of Mordor."

"Why don't we walk up to the black gate?" Merry asked.

"That'll be great. And then we can all die so that Middle Earth will be saved... You're a genius, merry." Gimli said.

"Except I can't go." Aragorn said. "If I die, there will never be a king of Gondor again."

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW ARAGORN WAS A COWARD! I KNEW IT!" Boromir yelled. "AND YOU WONDERED WHY I DIDN'T LIKE YOU!"

"You thought I was a coward?" Aragorn questioned softly.

"Well, you are coming up with excuses on why you can't fight with us." Dakota said.

"I will fight then!" Aragorn decided. "We will march on the Black Gate, and probably die, but that's okay."

Five minutes of silence later, Legolas said, "A DIVERSION ." Like it was his idea, and the best idea to have ever come up.

"It took you that long?" I asked.

"No, I just wanted to break the silence." Legolas explained, his face turning red while not making eye contact and fidgeting.

"Who believes Legolas?" I asked. Everyone was silent, and nobody raised their hand. "Who thinks Legolas was lying?" Everybody raked their hand.

"You didn't believe me?" Legolas asked, looking hurt.

"Legolas, you were obviously lying." Aragorn said.

"We never really believe you." Gandalf added.

"You don't know how much that hurts." Legolas whispered. He started crying.

"I'm sorry, Legolas." Gandalf apologized.

"Me, too." Aragorn added.

"We didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Merry and Pippin confessed.

Legolas started laughing. "I tricked you all! It worked! IT WORKED!"

"We will confront Saroun tomorrow." Aragorn told us, clearly trying to draw the attention away from the fact that Legolas had tricked him so easily. "Start preparing now."

We all left, and I finally got a real weapon- a sword. It would have been perfect except for the fact that I didn't know how to use it, so I kept my kitchen knife with me.

I also found another horse, since mine had been taken when I went into the Paths of the Dead. It was pure white, and it was enormous. It also smelled bad. I put a saddle on it, and then tried to ride it. The horse ignored me. I looked for another one.

After I had finished getting ready for the battle, I visited Èowyn. "How do you like being stuck here?" I asked.

"I hate it. I want to leave. I need to leave, but the healers won't let me." Èowyn answered.

"Ask someone if you can leave, or maybe move to another room. It'll at least be different." I suggested.

"That's what everyone else said." Èowyn sighed.

"Or you can sneak out." I added.

"Nobody suggested that." Èowyn admitted.

The next day we went off to the Black Gate. The eye of Saroun was on us, and it was unusually hot. The sky was black, but there was still enough light to see fine. We sat in front of the gate for an hour, until it was suddenly opened.

A super short guy with a helmet made out of tree bark rode out to meet us on a black horse. The helmet had no eye holes, so nobody knew how he knew where we were, but he reached us just fine. His mask had red eyes painted on it and a red smile painted on it, but it was far from funny.

"You are all COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOTS!" The strange guy said.

"Why are we so stupid?" Legolas asked. Apparently he hadn't noticed the piece of bacon in his hair.

"YOUR FRIENDS- THE HOBBITS- ARE DEAD!" The mouth of Saroun told us, and threw down a Mithril suit of armor, and all of Frodo's other stuff.

"YOU ARE THE IDIOT!" Aragorn yelled.

"HOW CAN YOU TELL US THAT OUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD BY ONLY SHOWING ONE FRIEND'S BELONGINGS?" Beth yelled.

"OR THIER BODIES?" Dakota yelled.

"DAMN IT! I KNEW IT WOULDN'T WORK!" The mouth of Saroun wailed. "THEY ESCAPED! PLEASE DON'T KI-"

Legolas shot him before he could finish the sentence.

We waited uncomfortably for another three hours, and then an exhausted Orc army appeared and came through the Black Gate. Then the Nazgul eight came coming on their Dragons- but- much- dumber- and- pure- evil things.

The fight began. I killed some orcs, almost got killed by a lot of other orcs, the Nazgul swooped down, killing members of our side and their side, and just terrifying everybody in general.

Then a bunch of cave trolls joined the fray, and that was when I was almost stabbed by an Orc. The cave trolls had been painted PINK of all colors, and were wearing giant birthday hats.

Then another cave troll appeared, that was polka dotted, and it was wearing a large frayed hat that was singing.

"Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see, I'll eat myself if you can find a smarter hat than me..." The hat sang.

Then an arrow flew by, and I spun around and saw an Orc right behind me with an arrow in its throat. I hid away from the battle after that and listened to the hat's song.

"So try me on and I will tell you where you ought to be. You might be in Griffindor, where dwell the brave at heart. Their daring nerve..."

"THE EAGLES ARE COMING! THE EAGLES ARE COMING! THANKS FOR TAKING YOU TIME, EAGLES!" Pippin yelled.

Suddenly the tower of Saroun fell down. Everything got silent, except for the hat, which started whispering. And then the ground that the orcs were standing on fell away, and a random person had a very good question.

"Great... Now how are we going to leave?"


	12. Legolas's Diary

Two days later, Frodo was in a hospital, and he had finally woken up. We all went inside, and Dakota looked very happy about something.

"Why are you so happy?" We asked her.

"I found Legolas's diary!" She said.

"DON'T YOU DARE READ THAT OUTLOUD!" Legolas yelled at her.

"Day one: my hair is getting so messed up. It's getting hard to fix it, and we're traveling by night.

Day thirty five: We reached Hollin. Frodo is sooooooo annoying, always going on and on about the ring. The world isn't about Frodo, it's all about ME! Don't people realize that?

Day seventy: I am so angry at the wimpy fellowship. They can't climb a stupid mountain, just because of a few ice boulders thrown down by the mountain its self.

Day seventy two: we are in Moria. The stupid Dwarf overreacted when we found his family's grave. Idiot. Then I faced a balrog, and Gandalf fell. Finally, no old guy leading the way. I'M the most experienced one in the fellowship, not Gandalf."

Gandalf glared at Legolas. "I was there for your birth. I am by far more experienced than you. And you were happy when I DIED?"

"Stop reading!" Legolas yelled.

"Day seventy four: We have reached Lorien. I should cut off Galadriel's hair. It's much better than mine. Maybe I could get a hair curler..?

Day seventy five: Galadriel found out that I wanted to cut off her hair and threatened to give me a beard like Gimli's. I nearly died. After all, the third most Dangerous thing to an elf is ugliness."

"My beard is a masterpiece! I should give YOU a beard just for saying that." Gimli said.

"PLEASE, NO!" Legolas wailed. "STOP, DAKOTA, STOP!"

"The two missing girls showed up. I almost killed myself, but then I remembered that I was too perfect to die.

Day seventy nine: Boromir got shot by a couple of arrows. I was hoping he would die-"

"Excuse me?" Boromir asked.

"But he didn't, and the hobbits got taken by orcs. We went to chase them.

Day eighty one: the hobbits were dead to us for maybe three hours, until we found out that they went into Fanghorn. Gimli was stupid once again, and I was sweaty- what a nightmare. Aragorn found his inner drama queen, and we realized Gandalf was alive. We saved Theóden from Saruman.

Day eighty two: I HAVE A BLACK EYE! DAMN IT! AND IT AND MY VOICE WAS USED TO KILL AN ARMY- AN ARMY- OF ORCS!

Day eighty three: We are going to Isengard to see Saruman. Based on what Gandalf has said, Saruman should be locked in a dungeon and nobody should ever have to see him again. I mean, really? Bad teeth and hair, a super long beard, and smelly? If he was an elf we would probably kill him.

Day eighty four: Just lost a drinking game to Gimli. How the hell did THAT happen? I can't even get drunk! Pippin disturbed the Palantir, so now we have to wait are around for Gandalf to send a signal by fire. That guy's a Pyromaniac, I'm telling you.

By the way, diary, I-"

Dakota paused in her reading. "Did you seriously just write that, Legolas?"

All of the blood had gone from Legolas's face. "Don't you dare read that." He said quietly.

"What is it?" Frodo asked.

"Nothing that concerns you." Legolas replied in the same tone of voice.

Dakota opened her mouth to read more, and Legolas shouted, "NO! NO! DON'T READ IT!" And lunged for the book. It went flying and Beth caught it.

"Oh, Legolas, you should have kept your diary more secret if you were going to write this in it." Beth said.

"What does it say?" Aragorn asked.

"Legolas has a cr-"

"NOYOUCANNOTDOTHISTOME!" Legolas screamed.

"Give one of us the Diary to read." Gandalf suggested.

"I'll read it." Merry volunteered.

Beth handed Merry the diary. Boromir gagged Legolas.

"By the way, Diary, I have a crush on Boromir!"

"What?" Boromir asked

"I'm just kidding. It's Dakota. Merry explained. Legolas passed out. Then he woke up almost immediately.

"Day eighty six: We have finally Gotten the signal from Gondor. Now we will ride on stinky horses for the next week to reach Minas Tirith. I know for a fact that Minas Tirith will be a terrible place. After all, it's a city made of STONE.

Day eighty eight: I have gone through the Paths of the Dead and survived. Ra threatened me to go. There was a huge spider there, the size of a coin. I ran away from it, and for some reason everyone got mad at me for it.

Day one hundred: we have reached the battle that we had to reach. It's on Plennor fields, but the grass is all dead. I took down an oliphant, and Gimli got mad at me. Then he killed a hundred orcs in one minute, and I had to admit that that was more impressive than taking down an oliphant.

Day one hundred and three- we had a council to discuss what to do. I managed to trick Merry, Aragorn, and GANDALF! He's supposed to be super wise, but I TRICKED HIM! HAHAHAHAHA!

Day one hundred and four: we took down Sauron, and we rescued Frodo! Great, more people to steal the attention away from me. We didn't celebrate, and when Frodo wakes up, we're going to get to talk to him.

Day one hundred and Six: Frodo has woken up."

"That's it." Merry finished.

"You thought Minas Tirith would be a bad city?" Boromir interrogated.

"You actually admitted I was better than you?" Gimli asked, and then passed out.

"Well, my coronation will be in a week. That way, Arwen will be here, Frodo will be better, and we'll all just get to enjoy it." Aragorn said.

"You said Arwen will be there." Dakota countered. "Not even you will enjoy it."

"Oh, well." Aragorn snapped. "Now we have to prepare for the coronation."


	13. Aragorn's Coronation

A week later, the city had been mostly repaired. The castle had been the first to be fixed. Elrond, Arwen, and a couple of other elves had arrived, and a lot of Gimli's family had also come.

Aragorn had a system set up where all of the fellowship would hold the crown, by assembly lining it. Boromir handed the crown to Gandalf, who handed it to Legolas, who handed it to Dakota, blushing furiously, and Dakota handed it to me, I handed it to Gimli, Gimli handed it to Merry, who handed it to Pippin, and he gave it to Sam, Sam handed it to Frodo, Frodo shoved the crown at Beth (not wanting anything to do with gold after the ring), and Beth gave it to her brother.

Aragorn put the crown on his head, Arwen complained loudly about EVERYTHING, and Elrond lost it and hit Arwen over the head with Gandalf's staff.

"And to think they call her Arwen Evenstar. They should call her Arwen- time- to- shoot- myself- Evenstar." Elrond muttered loudly.

After the dramatic crown handling, a bunch of Gondorians set up a long table that was big enough for the WHOLE city to sit at. Aragorn sat at the head of the table, and the fellowship sat next to him, and everyone else was scattered around the table.

After we had all set up chairs and food, Arwen woke up. "My head hurts." She complained. "This dress makes me look fat. All of the Rivendell elves are gone. There are too many BUGS here. Aragorn, your hair is messed up." Arwen complained all in one breath.

"ARAGORN, WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HER?" Beth asked.

"I hope you're not insulting Arwen." Elrond said.

"You can't talk. You insulted her earlier." Dakota pointed out. "Then you knocked her out."

"You took my staff to do it." Gandalf added.

"Fine."

The feast we had went in all day. At one point Dakota spilled her drink, and Legolas hopped up and yelled "I'LL FIX IT!" Over and over again. He grabbed a napkin before Dakota could even move, and cleaned up the drink, and then fainted.

The table got really quiet with an awkward silence. At the end of the day, we destroyed the table, and we got ready to part ways.


	14. Sharkey

The day after the coronation, the hobbits decided that they wanted to go home, back to the Shire.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Aragorn asked them as they packed their belongings.

"We're sure. We have family in the Shire." Pippin told him.

"Are you POSITIVE? Because you could have a family here, or have your family move here..."

"We're positive." Merry said.

"At least stay another day... Frodo doesn't do well on the road!" Aragorn was coming up with really stupid excuses now.

"You know, he doesn't..." Sam said slowly. "But Bilbo really needs him..."

"BILBO LIVES IN RIVENDELL!" Aragorn cried. "STAY!"

"We have to go to back to Hobbiton." Merry explained. "The hobbits there are already missing us, and we have people who care about us there."

Aragorn pulled out a chunk of his hair. "Okay, then. Use this to remember me by." He was crying, and then Arwen came into the room. When she saw that Aragorn was crying, she smacked the back of his head.

"No future husband if mine will be seen crying!" She snapped.

"But the hobbits are leaving." Aragorn explained.

"Doesn't matter." Arwen snapped and stomped out of the room.

"Is anyone planning to go to the Shire with us?" Frodo asked.

"I'm going." Beth said.

"YOU TOO?" Aragorn yelled, and ran from the room sobbing uncontrollably.

There was an awkward silence after that, but then I said, " I'm coming, too."

"I'll come as well." Dakota added.

"I'll go with you for a little while." Legolas said. His face was still red. "I have to return to Mirkwood."

"I am going nowhere with that elf!" Gimli spat.

"Fine, then. I don't like you either!" Legolas yelled.

"You've NEVER liked me, and frankly, I don't give a-"

Legolas pointed his bow at Gimli.

"Hey! Gimli's been in the Fellowship, he has immunity!" Dakota cried, and Legolas put down his bow.

"Well... Okay... If that's what you want..." His face got even redder, and two seconds later, he bolted for the door.

"We are going now." Frodo announced.

"Okay. Let's go." Beth said.

"Onward!" Dakota cried.

"WE'RE OFF LIKE A HERD OF TURTLES!" I declared. Everyone looked at me. "What? It'll take forever to get to the Shire." I complained. They still looked at me like I had grown another arm.

Then Legolas came running back.

"HIDE ME!" He yelled. "I accidentally touched Gandalf's staff- he wants me dead-"

He managed to hide behind Beth. Beth immediately stepped aside.

"You're on your own when it comes to angry wizards." She declared.

"LEGOLAS GREENLEAF!" I could hear Gandalf's yell from three stories above us.

"Let's just sneak away." Pippin suggested slowly. "We'd want to avoid any... Dangerous situations."

We ended up climbing out of a window. Luckily, we were on the ground floor, when we dropped down, only the hobbits were at risk of breaking their legs.

Gondor had really been cleaned up. The gates were repaired, the building were repaired, and people seemed only mildly unhappy. Except for Faramir, who was crying on the size of the street.

"Èowyn will come back soon!" Sam called. "Don't worry about her!"

Faramir completely ignored Sam. We walked on, and eventually left Gondor. I half expected Aragorn to order the guards to not let us out, but we were able to leave the city without a problem.

For the first couple of miles we walked in silence. Then Legolas got hungry, so the hobbits gave him an apple. Legolas complained that he didn't like apples. Frodo said, "Too bad, Legolas. That's all we brought."

"Really?" Legolas asked. "I can't stand apples."

"That's what you get for calling me stupid and drawing too much attention to the fact that I was the ringbearer." Said Frodo.

That night, we made Legolas take the first watch. After all, with him being an elf, he didn't need sleep.

The next day we marched on. Legolas complained some more, and nobody could wait for Legolas to leave.

A week later, Legolas left. We celebrated, and Frodo showed all of the other food he had packed. He had lied to Legolas about having only apples.

About a month later, we made it to Rivendell and checked on Bilbo. A week later, we passed Weathertop, and Frodo started shivering while Sam explained why. Apparently the Ringwraiths had stabbed Frodo there.

Another clump of days later, we reached Bree. Everyone there seemed to be a little depressed, and dirty.

"What happened here?" Beth asked.

"I don't know." Merry replied. "The last time we came here, it was cheerful, especially in the Prancing Pony."

We reached the other end of the town. The gatekeeper there told us what happened while the hobbits were gone. A bunch of people came by, killing many people, especially the ones that the hobbits knew. The old gatekeeper had been killed, along with some employees at the Prancing Pony, and everyone else who had fought those people.

"I hope the Shire isn't this bad." Frodo declared.

Another week later, we reached the shire. That was when the hobbits got angry.

"They tore down the trees! I knew it! It was in the mirror of Galadriel!" Sam yelled.

"If anything happened in Buckland..." Merry muttered, clenching his fists.

"We need to reach Hobbiton." Frodo reminded us. "Whoever did this will most likely be there."

So we went on to Hobbiton. Merry and Sam would point out the changes, while Pippin was thinking of a way to take back the Shire. Frodo remained silent.

When we reached Hobbiton, even Dakota, Beth, and I got mad. The hobbits there were all unhappy, and were walking with their heads down. The town was ugly, and judging by the hobbits that we knew, they would never let it get that way.

A group of Hobbits confronted us. "Why are you here?" The leader asked.

"Don't you remember us?" Sam asked, sounding hurt.

"We do, but Sharkey will hurt us if we act like we do." The leader replied.

"How did this happen?" Frodo asked.

"When the Sackville- Bagginses moved into Bag End, Otho died, and Lotho took over." The leader started to explain.

"I don't think that Lobelia would like that." Merry interrupted.

"She didn't. But anyway, strange big folk started coming to the shire around the time that you were supposed to move to Crickhollow. Eventually an old man came, who seemed to be the leader of the... Ruffians. He called himself Sharkey, and walked around wearing only white. He moved into Bag End shortly after Lotho invited him to stay, and Lobelia was imprisoned soon after that. When Lotho was in charge of the Shire, it was okay until Sharkey came. Now Sharkey says that Lotho wants all these thing form us that we KNOW he wouldn't want. Like the trees."

"I noticed the trees were gone." Sam added.

"Sharkey made us do it, and those who didn't got imprisoned. The Green Dragon was torn down, the Gaffer's house was burned down-"

"I have to go!" Sam cried, but Frodo held him back.

"You dad might be fine." Frodo told him.

"Lotho has also vanished. We all think he's dead." The leader finished.

"We need to gather weapons." Pippin announced.

"I'll do that." The leader of the group said.

Frodo turned to us. "We need to rouse the Shire."

"We roused the Ents. The shire won't be a problem." Merry promised, and went off. Sam went in search of his father, and Frodo went to talk to the hobbits.

"How do you talk to strangers half your size?" I asked.

Dakota started talking to a hobbit while I slowly went up to a job it's house and knocked on the door.

"Who're you?" The hobbit asked.

"I'm Ra. I'm with Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, Beth, and Dakota." I said. "We're planning on rebelling against Sharkey."

"Oh, no. I'm staying out of this. I don't want to end up DEAD!" The hobbit backed nervously away and slammed the door.

"Well, that was bad." I muttered.

When all the hobbits had been gathered, and all of the weapons had been gathered, we gathered around Frodo's old front door. Merry had gone to Buckland and had returned in two days, and Pippin has visited his Took relatives.

"This is Frodo Baggins, and I want to talk to Sharkey!" Frodo yelled.

Guess who answered the door.

It was Wormtounge. He had the same black oily hair and the same ghostly white oily face, and the same terrible teeth, and the same expression on his face.

He stared at us, and someone yelled, "WHO IS IT?"

"Tthh... The hhhob- bb-its." Grima stuttered.

Then the next person came to the door.

"SARUMAN?" The hobbits, Dakota, Beth, and I all asked.

"Yes. THIS IS MY REVENGE, DUMB HOBBITS! I SHALL RULE THE SHIRE, AND SMOKE ENDLESS SUPPLIES OF LONGBOTTOM LEAF, BECAUSE YOU FOUR HOBBITS DESTROYED MY HOME." Saruman said in what he obviously thought was a grand voice. He had already smoked too much Longbottom leaf, though, because it sounded like his throat was burned from the smoke and he had lung cancer.

"Where is Lotho S-B.?" Merry asked.

"Oh, him? Grima has been so hungry lately. I bet he's already been eaten." Saruman answered carelessly. Grima got an expression of complete rage on his face, and stabbed Saruman in the back. Saruman was dead before he even hit the ground.

All of the hobbit archers shot Grima, and he too died.

There was a long silence. Then a bunch of Ruffians (As the hobbits called them) appeared and attacked the hobbits. After four died, the rest ran away.

"Now to release Lobelia, and everyone else who was imprisoned." Sam said. "Where are they?"

"In Bag End." Someone yelled, and we went inside.

Frodo's house was still beautiful, even though it was dusty and misused. Until I saw a half- eaten dead body in the living room. Most of us threw up when we smelled it. Only Frodo and Sam didn't, and I wondered what they had smelled to make this not too bad.

The Gaffer was in the cellar, along with Lobelia and half the shire. "Gosh, Frodo, how many people can fit in your house?" Sam asked.

"I do not know, Sam." Frodo replied.

We went back outside. All the hobbits were already going back to their normal routine, and nobody seemed to care that they had rebelled.

Sam pulled out his amazing box of magical dirt and went outside. He started skipping around, tossing bits of dirt into the air, where the wind blew them into a pile. Then Sam reached a place.

"The party tree used to be here." He said, and dumped the magic dirt on the ground. At once a Mallorn tree sprouted.

Then a little hobbit came to talk to us. "Are you ghosts from the haunted hobbit hole?" She asked.

"No." Dakota answered.

"You should go there." The little hobbit said.

"Where is the haunted hobbit hole?" Beth asked. The little hobbit pointed to Bag End.

"Oh, we live there now." Beth said. "Or, at least, I do now."

"Beth- someone DIED AND GOT EATEN IN THAT HOUSE." Dakota pointed out.

"I know, but where else are we going to go?" She asked.

"Back to Gondor, so you can live with your brother?" I suggested. "Back to Mirkwood, so Dakota can be a queen like we all know she really wants to be?"

"How would I be a queen if I go to Mirkwood? I would have to... RA, YOU ARE EVIL!" She yelled, and I ran off.

Suddenly it started raining where Beth, Dakota, and I were standing. I moved to the left and the rain followed me. Then Beth vanished. Then the scenery changed slightly.


End file.
